|There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”
|Farmer Bob and Farmer Jim were having an ongoing feud. They were both cattle farmers, but Jim’s herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money.
So Bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting with various methods of enhancing his cattle. After several unsuccessful attempts, he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while at the same time, making them more docile and hungrier.
Hearing of his rival’s success, Jim immediately went to the police and disclosed to them Bob’s revolutionary (but illegal) new method.
While standing trial, Bob explained to the judge that the beef from his weed-enhanced cows was the most delicious meat in the world.
The judge, liking red meat as much as the next guy, demanded to taste it. So Bob slaughtered a steer and grilled up a cut for the judge. Upon tasting it, the judge immediately found Bob not guilty.
Later, at a barbecue to celebrate his victory, Bob and the judge were discussing his trial. The judge said, “I’ve presided over thousands of really stressful trials, but in your case, the steaks have never been higher!”
|So every morning I take the bus to work. On the way, it stops by the local prison.
This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud crash. I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I’m looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he noticed me observing him. He gave me a wink.
I thought to myself:
“Wow, that’s a little condescending.”
1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
2. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
3. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
4. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
5. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
10. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
11. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
12. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
13. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
14. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
15. He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
16. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
17. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
18. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
19. It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
20. It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.
21. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
22. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
23. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
24. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
25. Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.
26. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
27. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
28. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
29. Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
30. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
31. Show me someone in denial and I’ll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
32. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
33. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.
34. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
35. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
36. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
37. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.
38. To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
39. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
40. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
41. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
42. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
43. Old skiers never die — they just go down hill.
44. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
45. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
46. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
47. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
48. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
49. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
50. A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.
51. Nylons give women a run for their money.
52. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
53. Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
54. The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
55. If you give some managers an inch they think they’re a ruler.
56. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
57. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
58. Old burglars never die they just steal away.
59. A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
60. Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.
61. Some people don’t like food going to waist..
62. A cannibal’s favourite game is ‘swallow the leader’.
63. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
64. Girls who don’t get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated.
65. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.
66. A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
67. A backwards poet writes inverse.
68. If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
69. Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
70. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
71. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
72. When chemists die, we barium.
73. A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.
74. When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.
75. Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn’t play the fairway.
76. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
77. A circus lion won’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
78. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “Is the bar tender here?”
79. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.
80. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.
81. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
82. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
83. When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
84. What you seize is what you get.
85. Gardeners always know the ground rules.
86. Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and heir noses run.
87. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
88. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
89. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.
90. When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.
91. Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging.
92. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
93. Old programmers never die, they just can’t C as well.
94. A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.
95. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
96. Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
97. A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
98. A ditch digger was entrenched in his career.
99. A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They were an item.
100. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
|The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00 pm each day after the day’s battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 pm staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6:00 pm each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock “Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 pm,” he said, “Cost is no object.”
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 pm each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 pm by the color change, and could consistently get to the meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.
It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips.
“It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change,” said one junior executive. “I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch.” This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.
Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Navel Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.
A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00 pm, it should be called the Six O’Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.
Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. “We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as … ‘Alexander’s Rag Timeband’!”