Joke Of The Day: Solomon’s Wisdom

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Mar 152017
 
Rubber Chicken Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.

“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”

“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.

But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.

“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

 

 

 

A Solution To Crime

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Mar 122017
 

A Solution To CrimeThere was this ancient story teller…

One of his stories was about a Kingdom that was having a lot of crime so the King said, “Whoever comes up with a solution that works will be greatly rewarded.”

Many tried but their solutions did not work until this Old Man said he had the solution.

He asked to tear down all the jails and prisons. Then he had one jail for one person built.

Right away they had someone who committed a crime.

The Old Man said: “Put him in jail.”

Very soon another committed a crime and the officers came to ask the Old Man what to do with him to which the Old Man answered: “Kill the first one and put this one in jail!”

That ended the crime in the Kingdom.

 

You Are Not Everyone’s Cup Of Tea

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Jan 212017
 
The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, no matter what you try, will simply not like you. But the world is also filled with those who will love you fiercely. The ones who love you: they are your people.

Don’t waste your finite time and heart trying to convince people who aren’t your people that you have value. They will miss it completely. They won’t buy what you are selling. Don’t try to convince them to walk your path with you because you will only waste your time and your emotional good health. You are not for them and they are not for you. You are not their cup of tea and they are not yours.

Politely wave them along and you move away as well. Seek to share your path with those who recognize and appreciate your gifts, who you are.

Be who you are. You are not everyone’s cup of tea and that is OK.

You Are Not Everyone’s Cup Of Tea

 

The Wise Songbird

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Jan 122017
 

the-wise-songbirdOnce upon a time there was a golden songbird that lived in a beautiful garden. It spent all its days singing the loveliest songs to the honour of its maker and the delight of all the people who heard it.

But the keeper of the garden, who was a foolish and greedy man, coveted the little songster, and one day he made a cunning net in which he snared it. The little bird begged the man to release him and promised to tell him three great secrets if only he would let him go. Now the gardener really was a very greedy man and rubbing his hands together, he eagerly released the bird.

Then the songbird told him it’s three great secrets: Never believe all that you hear; Never regret what you have never lost, and never throw away that which you have in your keeping.

The gardener was furious when he heard this and said he had known these so-called’ secrets’ since he was a little child and shouted that the bird had tricked him. But the songbird quietly replied that if the man had really known these three secrets, or only the last of them, he would never have let him go.

Then the bird added:”I have a most precious jewel weighing over three ounces hidden inside me and whoever possesses that marvelous stone will have every wish granted.”

On hearing this, the keeper roared like a lion and cursed himself for setting the songster free. But the little bird only added fuel to his rage by explaining that since he weighed no more than half an ounce at most, as anyone with eyes could plainly see, how was it possible that a gem weighing more than three ounces could be hidden within it’s tiny body?

At that the man tore his hair and lunged at the bird in a towering rage, but the little songbird flew to a nearby branch and added sweetly:”Since you never had the jewel in your hands you are already regretting what you never lost, and believing what I told you, you threw it away by setting me free.”

Then the little songbird told the man to study well these three great secrets and so become as wise as the bird himself!

 

Wisdom

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Oct 122016
 

Widom Owl

  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
  • I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will remind me with, “Your password is incorrect.”
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • I’m great at multi- tasking- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
  • Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
  • Take my advice I’m not using it.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
  • I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
  • Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
  • Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
  • Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more- talented fool.
  • I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test- the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
  • There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
  • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
  • Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do- it- yourself type.
  • I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
  • The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  • I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
  • I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
  • If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
  • Money is the root of all wealth.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

 

Wisdom From Seniors

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Jun 212016
 

Wisdom From SeniorsThe best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

 

A Wise Old Man

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Mar 122016
 

A Wise Old ManA wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace.