1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie”.
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.
Answers: All of the above are true. Don’t you just love number sixteen?
CHICAGO RELEVANT MATH TEST
Chicago Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!
GANG/CREW NAME _______________________
1. LeJames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many mofos can LeJames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?
2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho’s. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800 per day Crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?
5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother’s bail?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?
9. Lafawanda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawanda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawanda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?
10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933)
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 You’re still young.
If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older.
If you remembered 11-15 Don’t tell your age.
If you remembered 16-25 You’re older than dirt!.
I have a job
I work, they pay me.
It’s a pretty good system that’s been going on for a long time.
I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.
So, here’s my question: Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt doing drugs, while I work.
Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
I guess we could call the program “Urine or You’re Out!”
Here’s another thought: Shouldn’t all politicians have to pass a urine test, too? How about passing an intelligence test, a common sense test and most importantly, an Understanding the Constitution Test!
If you agree with this, then please pass it on. If not… well… you’re probably not reading this blog any more anyway.
Some things have to change in this country… AND SOON!
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last five Academy Award winners for Best Actor and Actress.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They’re the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Now here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. Name three teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worth while.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
The people who make a difference in your life aren’t the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They’re the ones who care.
A member of the Honor Guard of the United States Air Force must, at all times, maintain a somber and professional bearing. Airmen who wish to join must pass many tests to qualify to join the Honor Guard. Among them is the feared Rubber Chicken Test.
To be a Ceremonial Guardsman in the United States Air Force you have to maintain bearing at all times, even if you have a rubber chicken in front of your face. The instructors at the USAF Honor Guard Tech School constantly challenge the newcoming Airmen’s bearing, and the students pay the penalty if they cannot maintain it.
“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. That’s why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“Well, no,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…”
“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now, let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”
“Umm, no, on the contrary…”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about my friend, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left—the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?
1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
The story of a Physics student who got the following question in an exam:
“You are given an accurate barometer, how would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper? ”
He answered: “Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down’ till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string”.
The examiner wasn’t satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy:
“Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics? ”
“Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground……”
“Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again? ”
“Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top……”
“..another try? ….”
“Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of the skyscraper…..”
“….and again? ….”
“walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells.”
“…One more try? ”
“Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say’ Please, Mr. Janitor, if I give you this nice Barometer, will you tell me the height of this building? ”
A test of concentration: Both men and women fail this.
Question: What do you see that is HORRENDOUS?
Scroll down for the answer:
Answer: There’s a MOUSE on one of the doughnuts!
Results of the Test:
1. 100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the bosom.
2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.
The Real Men Test
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names (but this would be his wife), is quietly trying to discard his underwear.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
C. Remote control.
Real men answer “C” to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.
New Alzheimer’s Test
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE
….It takes less than 15 seconds….
If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test.
See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
Scroll down for answers.
You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer’s.
You are a Pervert.