|A woman arrives at the and meets Saint Peter. She says, “I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here.”
Saint Peter asks, “What’s his name?”
She answers, “Smith.”
Saint Peter replies, “I’ve got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?”
She responds, “His name is John Smith.”
Saint Peter says, “I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?”
She answers, “He’s got red hair.”
Saint Peter replies, “I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?”
She responds, “Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he’d roll over in his grave!”
Saint Peter says, “Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!”
|An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'”
|There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “Why did you bring paving stones?”
|Three Men Are Standing At The Pearly Gates St. Peter tells them, “As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates.”
“How is that supposed to be funny?” one guy asks.
“Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse.”
Knowing they can’t argue and that God obviously knows all, the men begin confessing their infidelity. “I admit I screwed around behind my wife’s back, but I broke it off with the girl before my wife found out.” One man admits.
“Very well,” St. Peter responds and gives him a standard bicycle. The guy shrugs and feels a little better confessing.
The second man says with a grin, “I’ve never actually cheated on my wife.” St. Peter raises a skeptical brow. “Okay… There was one time, but it was technically before we were married! I was drunk and I didn’t know what I was doing but I’ve never been unfaithful after that!”
With a heavy sigh St. Peter grants the second man a car–but in terrible condition.
The third man says proudly, “I’ve never been unfaithful. Never.”
The other two stare at the third in disbelief.
“No, he’s right.” St. Peter confirms. “He’s been faithful the whole time. In fact he lost his virginity to his wife.” The other two men gape in jealous amazement as the third man is granted a brand new sports car.
The third man obviously can make it down the long, glittering highway toward the Kingdom of Heaven faster than the other two. However, the first man on the bicycle finds the third man pulled over not too far down the road. Perplexed, he rides to the sports car and finds the man sobbing into his steering wheel.
“What’s wrong, wise-guy, is this Italian muscle too much for you?” he gloats.
“No…” the third man tries to gain composure. “It’s not that… The car is beautiful!”
“Then what’s your problem?”
“I just passed my wife…. and she was on roller-skates.”
|Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying “you can do as you please in Heaven, just don’t step on any ducks.”
The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck.
Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, “for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.”
The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.
The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says “I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”
The man replies, “I don’t know what you did lady, but I… stepped on a duck.”
|A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book.
Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer.
He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue.
Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.
St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.
“You are a lawyer aren’t you?’
“Yes” the lawyer replies. “Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?”
“Oh, no, “Said St Peter. “It’s just you are the first one to ever get here.”
|Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a politician wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”
The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.”
St.Peter let him through the gate and then turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, “1,228.”
“That’s right! You may enter.”
St. Peter then turned to the politician and said, “Name them.”
|A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait, wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
|An old man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter.
St. Peter says to the old man, “I’ll explain the rules to you. You need 100 points to enter heaven. You can start telling me all the good deeds that you have done and I will allot you points. If you score a hundred, you will be given entry.”
The old man begins, “I was happily married to the same woman for 63 years. I never as much as looked at another woman in my life. I loved my wife and took care of all her needs.”
“That’s good,” says St. Peter. “I’ll give you 3 points.”
“Oh,” says the man. “This is going to be tougher than I thought. Well, I was regular at church regularly, volunteered my time and prayed faithfully.”
“Fine,” says St. Peter, “That will be another 2 points.”
“Just 2 points?” says the old man. “All right, I was also involved with a prison ministry for twenty years. I went into the prison, every month and shared prayers with them.”
“Great!” says St. Peter. “Another 3 points for you!”
“Only three points!” says the man. “At the rate we are going, it will be only by the grace of God that I will ever get into this place.”
“Bingo!” says St. Peter. “That’s a hundred points! Come on in.”
|A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?”
To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.” The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. “Spell a word,” St. Peter replied. “What word?” she asked.
“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.” The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e.”
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
“I’d be honored,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?”
To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word first.”
“What word?” he asked.
The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”
|Bill Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates.
After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.
“Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.
“It’s me, Bill Clinton.”
“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.
“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.
“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”
Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ‘sexual relations.’ And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”
|A Zebra died and went to heaven. At the Gate he asked St. Peter if he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.
St. Peter told him, “You are what you are.”
Well that didn’t tell him anything so St. Peter told him to ask God when he saw him. So when he saw God he asked him if he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes and God told him, “You are what you are.”
The next time he saw St. Peter, St Peter asked him what God had said and he told him God had said, “You are what you are.”
So St. Peter said, “Well, you’re a white zebra with black stripes.
The zebra asked, “How do you figure that?” and St. Peter said, “If you had been a black zebra with white stripes God would have said, “You is what you is.”
|A young couple was on their way to get married when they were involved in a fatal car accident. It was really bad, like something from a Quentin Tarantino movie.
At any rate, they soon found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates of heaven staring at St. Peter himself. Upset, but wanting to make the best of a bad situation, the woman asks St. Peter if the can get married in Heaven, since they couldn’t before they died.
“Wow,” he said, “that’s the first time in all of eternity anyone has ever asked me that. I’ll go check!”
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven JokeSo, for what seemed like an eternity, St. Peter was gone. Innumerable amounts of people were backing up the line at the gates of heaven. He was gone for so long, the young couple began having doubts as to whether they really wanted to be with each other for all of eternity.
Just when they were about to give up hope, St. Peter finally returned. “Good news! Looks like we can make this happen!” he said with an exhausted smile.
“Great!” replied the young man, “but before we go through with it, we were wondering… what if it doesn’t work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?”
“Holy cow!” gasped St. Peter. “It took me four months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it would take to find a lawyer?”
|A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks.
“What are those used for?” he asked.
St. Peter said, “There’s one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives.”
The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. “Why do they move at different speeds?” he asked.
St. Peter said, “Every time you tell a lie, you lose one hour of your life and your clock speeds up.”
The newcomer looked around and then asked, “Do you have one of these for my local politician?”
St. Peter answered, “Sure! It’s in the back room. We use it for a ceiling fan.”
During his tour he noticed that Hitler was standing in feces up to his chin. Surprisingly, the Fuhrer was smiling.
“I don’t understand,” sad St. Peter. “How can you smile when you’ll be spending all of eternity in excrement?”
Hitler replied, “I’m smiling because I’m standing on Mussolini’s shoulders.”