The Perfect Man And The Perfect Woman

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Jan 162017
 

The Perfect Man And The Perfect Woman

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling ****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

 

Elf Jokes

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Dec 202016
 

santa-claus-and-elf-800px

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The elfabet.

Q: Who is the most famous singing elf?
A: Elf Vis.

Q: What is the most favorite elf pet?
A: An Elflephant?

Q: What do elves do when a fellow elf falls down?
A: They elf em up.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: He had low Elf esteem.

Q: What do you call an elf that likes to swim?
A: An elfin.

Q: What do you call a stingy elf.
A: Elfish

Q: How do elves get up into the workshop attic?
A: The Elflevator.

Q: How do you describe an elf who refuses to take a bath?
A: Elfully smelly.

Q: What do you call an elf who teaches english?
A: A subordinate Claus

 

Santa’s House Listed On Zillow Real Estate Website

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Dec 152016
 

Santa’s House

The folks at the real estate website Zillow are obviously in a holiday mood. They’ve just revealed a listing for Santa’s House at the North Pole.

It’s not opulent but it’s extremely cozy, with three bedrooms, two bathrooms and 2,500 square feet of “gorgeous old-growth timber logged on site.” Santa Claus’ house has never been sold and is not on the market, Zillow said in a news release.

Although the house is not for sale, Santa was able to update his home’s description and add photos, which can enhance the “Zestimate” value, Zillow said.

Built in 1822, the home looks great, thanks to a 2013 update with modern amenities.

Santa’s Kitchen

The gourmet kitchen, for example, features an oven with 12 different cookie settings. The living room retains its Old World charm with a floor-to-ceiling river rock fireplace for roasting chestnuts.

Santa’s Study

In Santa’s study are a writing desk and sewing table where Santa made the original teddy bear, according to Zillow.

“Santa’s home at the North pole is one of the most famous homes in the world, so we’re thrilled it’s now on Zillow,” said Zillow spokesman Jeremy Wacksman.

Map Of Santa's House

Also, at the Santa’s house listing on Zillow, children can start following Santa’s Christmas Eve trek to deliver presents around the world through the official NORAD Santa tracker. Type “Santa’s house” into the search bar on Zillow.com and click on “Locate Santa” in the lower right corner of the page.

Santa's Workshop

The 25-acre property includes a workshop that is, of course, state of the art with work stations for 50 elves. The garage houses Santa’s all-weather sleigh, and the stables have space for eight live-in reindeer.

With all these features, this property would be snatched up if it were for sale. The “Zestimate” price of $656,957 or rental rate of $3,300 per month would be a bargain for Santa Claus’ house at the North Pole.

Santa's House Zillow
Santa's House Zillow Estimate
 
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Terminally Ill Child Dies In Santa’s Arms

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Dec 132016
 

Kleenex alert! Santa Claus gives a dying boy his final Christmas wish. This is a heartbreaking and heartwarming story all wrapped together.

Sometimes… it’s not easy being Santa Claus.

It’s a Christmas story from East Tennessee that has gained worldwide attention.

Eric Schmitt-Matzen spreads Christmas cheer year-round and grants wishes as Santa Claus. His long white beard and curled mustache makes him perfect for the part.

He and his wife, who joins him as Mrs. Claus, even went to Santa school six years ago.

But a month and a half ago, he answered the call to grant what would end up being one child’s final Christmas wish.

“He was more concerned about missing Christmas, than dying,” Schmitt-Matzen recalled to WBIR 10News.

He said he had just gotten home from work when a nurse at a local hospital called and said there was a very sick 5-year-old boy who wanted to see Santa Claus.

He was at the hospital in about 15 minutes and met the boy’s mother and other family members. She handed Schmitt-Matzen a toy to give to her child.

“When I got there, it was my job to make sure he got Christmas,” Schmitt-Matzen said.

With this tough task ahead of him, he asked everyone else to leave the room so that he wouldn’t break down in tears.

This is how he described what happened next, to a Knoxville News Sentinel columnist: 

“When I walked in, he was laying there, so weak it looked like he was ready to fall asleep. I sat down on his bed and asked, ‘Say, what’s this I hear about you’re gonna miss Christmas? There’s no way you can miss Christmas! Why, you’re my Number One elf!

“He looked up and said, ‘I am?’

“I said, ‘Sure!’

“I gave him the present. He was so weak he could barely open the wrapping paper. When he saw what was inside, he flashed a big smile and laid his head back down.

‘“They say I’m gonna die,’ he told me. ‘How can I tell when I get to where I’m going?’

“I said, ‘Can you do me a big favor?’

“He said, ‘Sure!’

“When you get there, you tell ’em you’re Santa’s Number One elf, and I know they’ll let you in.

“He said, ‘They will?’

“I said, ‘Sure!’

“He kinda sat up and gave me a big hug and asked one more question: ‘Santa, can you help me?’

“I wrapped my arms around him. Before I could say anything, he died right there. I let him stay, just kept hugging and holding on to him.

“Everyone outside the room realized what happened. His mother ran in. She was screaming, ‘No, no, not yet!’ I handed her son back and left as fast as I could.”

In the days that followed, Schmitt-Matzen was left with uncertainty about whether to continue being Santa. 

Looking for reassurance, he shared what he experienced with other Santas.

“They told a story who told the story to somebody who told the story to somebody,” he said. 

They continued to share the story and that’s how it ended up getting to Knoxville News Sentinel Columnist Sam Venable. His powerful column on this child’s final wish was shared thousands of times in a matter of hours.

Source…

 

Dec 242015
 

Santa's New Contract

Santa’s New Contract

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to by my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there a few differences between our deliveries:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit-can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-ear’d, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Ernhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I hear’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off,” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like, “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chestnut’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox” and “Grandma Got Run’d Over by a Reindeer.”

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus,
Member of North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209
 

 

Claus For Concern

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Dec 172015
 

Claus For ConcernDear Santa,

We’re worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps, and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.

The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have “a clear-cut case of rosacea,” a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your “cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry.” Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion … all things you may encounter this time of year.

The one bright note in Dr. Litt’s message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about your facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs.

OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We’ve seen the pictures; we’ve noticed you in the malls. And we’ve heard that your tummy shakes “like a bowlful of jelly” when you chuckle. On this, we’ll take part of the blame. All these years, we’ve set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make an overnight snack of 2,000,000 cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it’s time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to consult a physician before beginning any exercise regimen.

PIPE SMOKING: You’ve been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it’s only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said “the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.” According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker’s risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer, and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe’s just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you’re not just a saint; you’re a role model.

STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news service says laughter — as evidenced by your trademark “Ho, ho, ho” — is one of the best stress-busters going.

SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland (WA) said his people never actually go into a chimney, and they wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.

RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we’ve noticed you’re also receiving, and answering, e-mail on at least four Internet addresses. We applaud your move on to the information superhighway, with this caution: Too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.

DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood (WA). Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.

FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA: You usually bundle up, and that’s good. A Weather Service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.

MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.

MEMORY TROUBLE: It’s been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or are you developing a little memory problem?

SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.

VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is cold and flu season, don’t you?

JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness, and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in one night, like you do.

SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We’ve seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we’d sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through metropolitan areas, be sure to cover the load. You wouldn’t want to have an accident that would boost your insurance rates, would you?

Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, don’t you?

 
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Santa Is A Woman

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Dec 092015
 

Santa Is A WomanI hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and re-point bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:

  • Men can’t pack a bag.
  • Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
  • Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
  • Men don’t answer their mail.
  • Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
  • Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

 

If Rudolph Took Place Today

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Dec 232014
 

The world has changed since 1964!

If the story of “Rudolph” happened today, things would probably go down a lot differently. This humorous parody by FatAwesome shows how in modern times people wouldn’t have taken Santa’s discrimination so lightly. All it takes is one elf with a smartphone, and Santa finds himself going viral online – and not in a good way.

 

 

Operation Secret Santa

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Dec 162014
 

Operation Secret Santa

Unique traffic stops in Kansas City, Missouri bring drivers to tears.

We need more news like this.

Enjoy and share!


Click image to play

Earlier this month, in Kansas City, Missouri, the Jackson County Sheriff’s Department was out looking for people. And when they spotted a subject, they went after them, in a sting operation the likes of which this country has never seen.

What made this operation especially unusual was the man behind it: a fellow in a red hat — known to these men only as “Secret Santa.”

Every year this anonymous, wealthy businessman gives out about a hundred thousand dollars worth of hundred dollar bills to random strangers. But this year, instead of doing it all himself, he deputized these deputies to give away much of it.
“Let’s start with a thousand,” Secret Santa said as he gave the deputies the money.

And so, armed to the teeth with Benjamins, the officers went out to do Santa’s bidding. They specifically went after people they thought would appreciate it most. Cars driving while dented — or out on Bondo — were likely targets.

“Merry Christmas,” a deputy said while handing money to a driver.

“You’re kidding. Oh my God, no,” answered the driver in disbelief.

Most people weren’t just blown away — most people were moved to tears. Their reactions were a combination of really needing the money and being caught off guard.

We saw Jessica Rodriguez, a mother of three, get pulled over. While the deputy walked to her car, Rodriguez talked to someone on her cell phone to tell them she’d been pulled over for “no cause.”

“How you doing, m’am?” the deputy asked her.

“I’m good until you pulled me over,” she answered.

“Okay, well, on behalf of Secret Santa, he wants you to have this, OK?” the deputy said as he handed her money.

Rodriguez told the deputy he saved her Christmas.
“I wasn’t going to be able to get my kids anything,” she told him.

“Well, I hope you may be able to get your kids something with it,” he said.

As always, creating moments like that is the main mission here. But this year “Secret Santa” also had a secret agenda.

“What do you want the officers to get out of this?” I asked him.

“Joy,” he answered. “You know, as tough as they are they have hearts that are bigger than the world.”

Let’s face it, it hasn’t been a good year for law enforcement — but for the vast majority of decent officers who will never make headlines — Secret Santa offered this gift.

A chance to be bearer of good news for a change, a chance to really help the homeless, to thank the law-abiders, to see hands up in celebration and then be assaulted in the best possible way.

There were a lot of hugs. Our body cameras took a real beating, but it was worth it — just to see people trust again and to see cops surrender.

Source…