Basic Rules For Dogs

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May 302015
 

Basic Rules For DogsNEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that’s placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark — a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark…

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never — quite — catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.

 

New Rules For Dieting!

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May 122015
 

New Rules For Dieting1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

 

Apr 112014
 

The 13 Rules Of Gunfighting Everyone Should Know

These Are The 13 Rules Of Gunfighting Everyone Should Know

Some words to the wise. Shooting Advice from various Concealed Carry Instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it.

1) Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

2) It’s always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

3) Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

4) Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arms length.

5) Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

6) The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

7) The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win – cheat if necessary.

8) Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets…You may get killed with your own gun, but he’ll have to beat you to death with it, cause it’ll be empty.

9) If you’re in a gun fight: If you’re not shooting, you should be loading. If you’re not loading, you should be moving. If you’re not shooting, moving or loading, you’re probably dead.

10) In a life and death situation, do something…It may be wrong, but do something!

11) If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

12) You can say ‘stop’ or ‘alto’ or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language.

13) You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

“Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading,” ~ Thomas Jefferson

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The Chocolate Rules

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Mar 012014
 
The Chocolate Rules

The Chocolate Rules

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

 

Official Beer Hockey Rules

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Feb 142013
 

A practical guide to Beer Hockey.

Enjoy!

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We show you the rules to the drinking game that has won over millions of hearts across the world. You’ll find it surprisingly easy to enjoy this game with your circle of friends.

 

Rules for Choosing a Superhero Name

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Jan 172012
 

1. Don’t call yourself by your real name, e.g. Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.

2. Don’t call yourself by someone else’s real name, e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.

3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.

4. Don’t be too modest, e.g. Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredibleman.

5. But don’t labor the point, e.g. Mr. So-Powerful-Don’t-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

6. Don’t choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil

7. Don’t choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

8. It’s no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is self-control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition. It’s just asking for trouble.

9. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re not.

10. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Boy if you’re a girl.

11. Don’t call yourself the Invisible Lady if you’re a man — even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body.

12. Don’t give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable-to-Strontium 90.

13. Don’t call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You’ll confuse people.

Rules of Life

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May 292011
 

1. Life is not fair, get used to it.

2. The world will not care about your self esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

3. You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school.
You won’t be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.

4. If you think your teacher was tough, wait until you get a boss who doesn’t have tenure.

5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity, your grandparents had a different word for it:opportunity.

6. If you mess up, it’s not your parent’s fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes.

7. Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying bills, cleaning clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are.

8. Television is not real life, in real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop for a job.

9. Be nice to nerds, chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Rules For Dating My Daughter

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Apr 122010
 

So you want to date one of my daughters? This a copy of the rules handed out to boys on the 1st (and often final) date. An application to date my daughter must also be completed.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as Hell not picking anything up. You will not call our home before 9 AM or after 10PM.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like pulling weeds in the flower beds or changing the oil in my truck?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws, Clint Eastwood, or John Wayne are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been with a goofy haircut. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, rope, cinder blocks, and a very deep pond behind the house stocked with hungry gators, 25+ Lb. catfish, Cottonmouth snakes, and large snapping turtles. Do not irritate me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your little Jap car with the big coffee can muffler for one of Charlie’s Soviet made choppers coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange affliction starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands behind your head; speak the perimeter password; announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early; return to your car; then slowly back out of the driveway and through the front gate. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window will be mine.