|John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get to my car.”
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, “Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!!!”
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a
U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table … no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
|There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”
Walmart is having it’s FIRST ANNUAL CAR SHOW! Check out some of these awesome cars that they will have on display!
Here are the Amendments to the US Constitution written so that even the average Joe like you can understand them. And by average Joe, I mean idiot.
You have the right to be an asshole. This means that: You have the right to believe in anything no matter how illogical or unscientific it may be. You have the right to shout, at full volume, the first thing that pops into your head, no matter how inane or hateful. You have the right to be lied to by television, news papers, and magazines. You have the right to make worthless Internet petitions that nobody will ever look at. You have the right to herd yourselves together like sheep to the slaughter.
You have the right to be a redneck and thereby you may own and operate weapons that are so powerful they could vaporize a musk ox from six-hundred yards away, all the while claiming they’re for squirrels and such.
You have the right to tell Uncle Sam to, “Go to Hell,” if he ever tries to put soldiers in your house.
The government is not allowed to invade your privacy without first getting a warrant. However, if the president decides to ignore this amendment, then you have the right to be stupid enough to believe that it’s for your own good.
The government is not allowed to take away your rights just because they think you may have broken the law… unless they later pass something called the Patriot Act which makes this amendment null and void. You also have the right to not have to watch the same episode of Jeopardy twice.
You have the right to a speedy trial unless the government has arrested you for war crimes, in which case you’re in for a long wait.
You have the right to a trial by jury in civil cases. If you’re a minority and the jury just happens to a bunch of angry old white guys, well then you’re S.O.L.
You are safe from cruel and unusual punishment. For the record, being electrocuted, poisoned, shot, and hanged is not cruel or unusual.
Just because a right is not specifically granted by the US Constitution it doesn’t mean the government can deprive you of that right. But this sure won’t stop them from trying.
Your state has the right to think that it can make up its own rules. However, if the federal government doesn’t like those rules, they’ll cut off all funding to your state until they comply. Why did we even waste time on this amendment?
This amendment is purposely worded to be hard to understand, so it can’t possibly be important.
In order to prevent our government from being a democracy like we claim it is, we’ll use the Electoral College system of voting, thereby making us a republic. Get over it.
No more slavery. You honkeys now have the right to pick your own damn cotton!
States are no longer allowed to prevent your rights, unless you’re black, female, poor, or a teenager.
Okay, black people can vote now too, but not the poor, females, or teenagers; and don’t even get us started on poor female teenagers!
The federal government has the right to bleed you dry from taxes. Bend over and take it like a bitch.
You have the right to not understand how your vote counts in an election because everything is more complex than you’re willing to learn.
You are no longer allowed to get crunk at a party, attempt to dance on the table, fail miserably, fall off, and knock your teeth out on the floor. Shucks.
Now even women can vote! Wow, what a country!
Crap about the president and congress… boring…
Hurray! Once again you have the right to wake up with one Hell of a hang-over, next to a total stranger who looks a lot uglier than you remember, and pray that you were sober enough to use a condom.
We will never -ever- have to endure three terms of George W. Bush! Hallelujah!
You have the right to not care that DC gets representation.
Voting is now free. Even the trailer trash who couldn’t afford the 18 cents before can now almost afford to vote.
It used to be that if you wanted to end a presidential regime you only had to assassinate the president and the vice president. Now you’ll have to rub out the speaker of the house, the president of the senate, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of defense… and the list goes on an on, so I hope you have a lot of bullets.
Now even stupid teenagers can vote. When will the horror end?
Congress has the right to give themselves more money than they deserve, because beer and hookers ain’t cheap you know.
|A hillbilly wants to become a journalist. So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree.
For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on “Happy Times.”
He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sitting on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly agrees to the interview.
The new journalist says “Tell me a story on happy times and the old man replies “One time my neighbor lost his sheep in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found it, we all took turns on it”.
The journalist was like I can’t write that, “Tell me another happy story”.
The old man replies again “One time my neighbor lost his daughter in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found her we all took turns on her”.
The journalist thought this story was worse and decided to use some reverse psychology and says “Tell me a story on sad times”.
The old man looks down real sad and says “I got lost once”.