Sep 172017
 

Redneck Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a

U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table … no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

 

Sep 122017
 
Joke Of The Day: Feuding Hillbillies There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”

 

 

 

The Amendments To The US Constitution

 Funny, Political  Comments Off on The Amendments To The US Constitution
Apr 012017
 

The Amendments To The US Constitution
(Written For the Average American)


The Amendments To The US Constitution

Here are the Amendments to the US Constitution written so that even the average Joe like you can understand them. And by average Joe, I mean idiot.

Amendment 1
You have the right to be an asshole. This means that: You have the right to believe in anything no matter how illogical or unscientific it may be. You have the right to shout, at full volume, the first thing that pops into your head, no matter how inane or hateful. You have the right to be lied to by television, news papers, and magazines. You have the right to make worthless Internet petitions that nobody will ever look at. You have the right to herd yourselves together like sheep to the slaughter.

Amendment 2
You have the right to be a redneck and thereby you may own and operate weapons that are so powerful they could vaporize a musk ox from six-hundred yards away, all the while claiming they’re for squirrels and such.

Amendment 3
You have the right to tell Uncle Sam to, “Go to Hell,” if he ever tries to put soldiers in your house.

Amendment 4
The government is not allowed to invade your privacy without first getting a warrant. However, if the president decides to ignore this amendment, then you have the right to be stupid enough to believe that it’s for your own good.

Amendment 5
The government is not allowed to take away your rights just because they think you may have broken the law… unless they later pass something called the Patriot Act which makes this amendment null and void. You also have the right to not have to watch the same episode of Jeopardy twice.

Amendment 6
You have the right to a speedy trial unless the government has arrested you for war crimes, in which case you’re in for a long wait.

Amendment 7
You have the right to a trial by jury in civil cases. If you’re a minority and the jury just happens to a bunch of angry old white guys, well then you’re S.O.L.

Amendment 8
You are safe from cruel and unusual punishment. For the record, being electrocuted, poisoned, shot, and hanged is not cruel or unusual.

Amendment 9
Just because a right is not specifically granted by the US Constitution it doesn’t mean the government can deprive you of that right. But this sure won’t stop them from trying.

Amendment 10
Your state has the right to think that it can make up its own rules. However, if the federal government doesn’t like those rules, they’ll cut off all funding to your state until they comply. Why did we even waste time on this amendment?

Amendment 11
This amendment is purposely worded to be hard to understand, so it can’t possibly be important.

Amendment 12
In order to prevent our government from being a democracy like we claim it is, we’ll use the Electoral College system of voting, thereby making us a republic. Get over it.

Amendment 13
No more slavery. You honkeys now have the right to pick your own damn cotton!

Amendment 14
States are no longer allowed to prevent your rights, unless you’re black, female, poor, or a teenager.

Amendment 15
Okay, black people can vote now too, but not the poor, females, or teenagers; and don’t even get us started on poor female teenagers!

Amendment 16
The federal government has the right to bleed you dry from taxes. Bend over and take it like a bitch.

Amendment 17
You have the right to not understand how your vote counts in an election because everything is more complex than you’re willing to learn.

Amendment 18
You are no longer allowed to get crunk at a party, attempt to dance on the table, fail miserably, fall off, and knock your teeth out on the floor. Shucks.

Amendment 19
Now even women can vote! Wow, what a country!

Amendment 20
Crap about the president and congress… boring…

Amendment 21
Hurray! Once again you have the right to wake up with one Hell of a hang-over, next to a total stranger who looks a lot uglier than you remember, and pray that you were sober enough to use a condom.

Amendment 22
We will never -ever- have to endure three terms of George W. Bush! Hallelujah!

Amendment 23
You have the right to not care that DC gets representation.

Amendment 24
Voting is now free. Even the trailer trash who couldn’t afford the 18 cents before can now almost afford to vote.

Amendment 25
It used to be that if you wanted to end a presidential regime you only had to assassinate the president and the vice president. Now you’ll have to rub out the speaker of the house, the president of the senate, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of defense… and the list goes on an on, so I hope you have a lot of bullets.

Amendment 26
Now even stupid teenagers can vote. When will the horror end?

Amendment 27
Congress has the right to give themselves more money than they deserve, because beer and hookers ain’t cheap you know.

 

Joke Of The Day: Happy Times

 Jokes  Comments Off on Joke Of The Day: Happy Times
Feb 102017
 
Rubber Chicken A hillbilly wants to become a journalist. So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree.

For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on “Happy Times.”

He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sitting on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly agrees to the interview.

The new journalist says “Tell me a story on happy times and the old man replies “One time my neighbor lost his sheep in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found it, we all took turns on it”.

The journalist was like I can’t write that, “Tell me another happy story”.

The old man replies again “One time my neighbor lost his daughter in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found her we all took turns on her”.

The journalist thought this story was worse and decided to use some reverse psychology and says “Tell me a story on sad times”.

The old man looks down real sad and says “I got lost once”.

 

 

 

Yuppie To Redneck In 25 Steps

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Jan 022017
 

RedneckAre you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck? Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn? t know how? Well, now you can!

Just follow these instructions. Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That? s all you will need to start!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.

1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2, 000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex as you read this. FIRST, untie and remove fancy shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so don? t deceive yourself. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.

2) Stuff socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on – resist this!

4) Prop bare feet on desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on. Use necktie to wipe nose. Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt. Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on suit.

5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth.

6) Place tobacco in mouth. Practice spitting stream of tobacco juice on to computer screen or on polished office floor or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit or those Brooks Brothers shoes.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See step #3

7) Remove necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.

8) Strip off expensive business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and daytimer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.

9) Put on overalls.

10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying job and stop working altogether. Alternative: become a garbageman or janitor or sling has in a diner.

12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.

13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.

14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.

15) Bathe twice a week.

16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all? NG? endings from words -? havin? instead of? having?. Learn to yelp and woop and holler.

17) Sell Porsche.

18) Buy used pickup.

19) Sell condo.

20) Buy shotgun rack.

21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts and accessories.

22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to redneck charity. You will not need money.

23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss episodes.

24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.

25) Have name changed legally from? Mark? of? Andrew? or? Kevin? to? Cletus? or? Bubba? or? Jed?.

Congratulations! You, sir are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! Satisfaction Guaranteed!