 |
Tag: Philosophy
Philosophers Of The Century
Philosophers Of The Century
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden
In hotel rooms, I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Warren Tantum (School photo album)
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Old Italian proverb
The Philosophy Of Ambiguity And Idiosyncrasies Of English
The philosophy of ambiguity, the idiosyncrasies of English:
1. Don’t sweat the little things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One Tequila, two Tequila, three Tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went into the bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” and she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a Parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly walk without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock petrol bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animals crackers?
18. If police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right ti remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchrnized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an ‘s’ in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Load More