|A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?”
The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
The scientific reason of why Grandmas are so short.
Nutrition during the first few years of life has a huge impact on adult height, and since nutrition has been getting better over time, humanity – including your family – is getting taller.
|Every year they’d attend the county fair and every year Earl would look at Peggy and say, “Look at those planes! I’d love to ride one of those planes..”
And every year Peggy would reply, “Yeah, but it costs $10, and $10 is $10!”
Finally, the year came for Earl’s 75th birthday. They go to the fair and again, Earl exclaims “Look at those planes! I’d love to ride one of those planes..”
To which Peggy again replied, Yeah, but $10 is $10.”
The pilot overheard the exchange and chimed in, “Listen, I’ll give you both a ride, and if you don’t say a word or scream during the entire ride, the ride is free. But if you do, you will owe me $20 for the ride.”
Earl got so excited about his opportunity and both he and Peggy hopped on the plane. The pilot pulled out all the tricks. Barrel roles, loops, corkscrews, everything he could to get some kind of noise, but they were quiet the whole ride.
Finally, they landed and the pilot said, “I can’t believe you two didn’t make a sound!”
Earl said to the pilot, “I was going to say something when Peggy fell out, but $10 is $10.”
|Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied: “Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said: “I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”
|Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner?
The pharmacist answers, Yes.
Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?
Jacob: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.
Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease?
Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers?
Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes.
Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
|The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
“Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
|An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbucks’s to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband responded: “I’m takin’ a dump. Please advise.”
|An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
“They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” He says. “She got in the backseat by mistake.”
|An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.
Until now, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
“You must take the loyalty oath first,” responded the passport clerk. “Raise your right hand, please. “The old gal raised her right hand.
“Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?” was the first question.
The little old lady’s face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, “Uhhh . . . all by myself?”