Aug 202017
 

Dear Alt-Left Mainstream Media, Washington Establishment and Deep State Operatives… The American People can see behind the curtain… And you will pay a heavy price for your dishonesty!

An Open Letter To The Alt-Left Media, Washington Establishment And Deep State

The single most intolerable thing to the American Voting Public, is to treat them with contempt. The vast majority of this country are just people trying to raise a family, make ends meet, pay their bills, and make a better life for their children than they had for themselves. They couldn’t give a crap about your artificially stirred up race wars, and your fantasy oppression, and your attempts to find injustice behind every corner.

But the one thing they do care about, from the deepest parts of their soul, is your elitist attempts to manipulate them. To pull their strings… To make them dance… To pit one segment of society against the other… For your own benefit. In spite of your belief to the contrary, the American Voting Public is not stupid. They can see what you are doing. They can look at the Alt-Left Mainstream News Reports, and they can compare them to actual events. They know that you’re lying to them.

You have managed to convince yourselves that your manipulation is paying dividends. You’ve managed to create a nice little socialist army of masked abusers to beat people up in your name… And you’ve created a Media Echo Chamber to call them heroes. And you trot out the virtue signaling politicians to bask in the glory of your artificial righteousness. You create demons and monsters where none really exist. Because you’ve labeled them Nazis and Skinheads and KKK. And you all tell yourselves that it’s working….

But they can see… They can see that it is false. They know their own hearts. They know that they are good men and women… and that they love their neighbors… and that they’re just trying to make a life for their family… and that they’ve never spent a minute hating anyone. They can see that the fans of hatred and violence and discord are coming not from them, but from you.

Your day of reckoning is coming soon. Americans will go quietly go to the polls in 2018, and in 2020, and they will join to help you understand that they don’t want to be manipulated. Your repudiation will be total. And it will be glorious. You’re not half as clever as you think you are.

via Bumpy_Nugget

A Guy Named Penis van Lesbian

 Jokes  Comments Off on A Guy Named Penis van Lesbian
Apr 302017
 

A good-looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said, “I want to be a movie star.”
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE to change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.

I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke

Penis van Lesbian
 

Feb 222017
 
John McCain solicited now dead Russian Ambassador for donation to his presidential campaign in 2008

John McCain Asked Russia For Campaign Money During The 2008 Election
John McCain, who once called Russia a bigger threat than terrorism, asked Vitaly Churkin for campaign money during the 2008 election. He was turned down. Maybe THIS is why McCain hates Russia so much?

Isn’t it illegal to solicit campaign donations from foreign governments?

Found this while searching Wikileaks for Russian hacks (spoiler: there aren’t many).

Russian mission On Fundraising Letter from John McCain Election Campaign, 20 Oct 2008

Release date
October 20, 2008

Summary

20 Oct 2008 statement from the Russian Federation to the United states in relation to an alleged letter from the McCain campaign requesting a financial contribution from Russia:

“We have received a letter from Senator John McCain requesting financial contribution to his Presidential campaign.
In this connection we would like to reiterate that Russian officials, the Permanent Mission of the Russian Federation to the United Nations or the Russian Government do not finance political activity in foreign countries.”

Wikileaks staff have verified the authenticity of the document. Obviously the statement is designed to undermine the McCain campaign and is an extremely interesting Russian intervention into US domestic politics. It remains to be seen whether the play, which lacks subtlety, will backfire and generate support for McCain.

According to the document metadata (which can be manipulated, though rarely is), the document was created by “INT10”, underwent two revisions and was saved by “INT9” with a version of word is registered to organization “MID”. Although Wikileaks normally removes metadata, we have not done so in this instance since the document is intended to be public and may be a significant political play by Russian intelligence.

See John McCain fundraising appeal letter to Russian Ambassador Vitaly Churkin, Sep 29 2008‎ for the McCain letter.

Download

File | Torrent | Magnet

John McCain Asked Russia For Campaign Money During The 2008 Election

 
 
H/T Reddit

Joke Of The Day: Chen Lee

 Jokes  Comments Off on Joke Of The Day: Chen Lee
Jan 152017
 
Rubber Chicken A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.

 

 

 

A Little Secret For Hillary Supporters

 Political  Comments Off on A Little Secret For Hillary Supporters
Nov 112016
 

I’m going to let all you upset Hillary supporters in on a little secret.

To those of you questioning now how you will ever be able to raise a child in a world full of hate and bigotry, saying this election has provided even a further wedge in our nations divide, etc. Donald J. Trump will not come into your home and teach your children real values and morals, you will.

He will not hold your hand and walk you down the street and tell you to smile when you pass a stranger, you will.

He will not teach your children to not see color, gender, nor disabilities, you will.

He will not teach your children to be open-minded toward others beliefs, views, and opinions, you will.

WE are the ones that shape our communities, WE are the only ones that can solve this racial divide, and WE are the ones that can really make the difference in our lives, our children’s lives, and each others lives.

But, some things he will do is clean up this mess of a tax system, healthcare system; strengthen our military, back the blue, support our vets, bring jobs back, strengthen our borders, and sustain our given rights as Americans. All so that you CAN raise a child in a safe and great America.

The rest is up to you, and up to US as Americans.

The days of handouts, the blame game, and participation trophies are officially over, take on responsibility for your behaviors.

Be an adult.

Now… Let’s HELP make America GREAT again!

 

Donald Trump Invites Grieving Parents On Stage During Rally

 Political  Comments Off on Donald Trump Invites Grieving Parents On Stage During Rally
Nov 082016
 

An emotional moment in Hershey, PA.

Donald Trump stopped in the middle of his rally to let a grieving mother speak. She then tells the crowd how to ‘Honor’ her son.

The parents of Hugh “Riley” Rone took the stage at Trump event to speak about their deceased son’s support of the Republican nominee for president. Rone was killed in a motorcycle accident on the Garden State Parkway on May 31, 2016. The Rones are natives of South Amboy, NJ.

“These are incredible people,” Trump said as he called for the parents to join him on the stage. “Their son recently passed away in a horrible accident. He was the biggest supporter I had. Young guy. Beautiful guy. The most popular person there was. And he was just very special.”

“As much as some of you like Trump, I like you more than you like me if you want to know the truth. This boy was our biggest fan. He loved our country, believe me. He loved our country,” Trump told the rally-goers.

“Say a few words about our boy, okay,” Trump said as he embraced the mother of Riley Rone.

Read his obituary here.

Barbara Zawistowski Rone, Riley’s mother, was invited on stage by Trump at a rally in Hershey, Penn. Friday night and gave an extremely moving and impassioned endorsement of the candidate in her son’s honor. Rone also spoke about how her son campaigned for Trump and of his attempts to convert friends to support the candidate.

“When there were 17, he said Mr. Trump is the nominee. When there was one nominee, Mr. Trump, Riley said Mr. Trump would be president,” Riley’s mother said.

“In Riley’s obituary, Mr. Trump was mentioned because Riley loved or loves Mr. Trump. His funeral was over 200 cars, he had very dedicated friends, there were signs, flags for Mr. Trump. Riley’s grave marker has Mr. Trump name on it and the Statue of Liberty because he loves America,” Mrs. Rone shared.

Rone’s mother noted a motorcycle group has pledged to donate a brick to the The Wall, if it gets built, in honor of her son. She also spoke about an emotional phone call she had with Trump where he said he would trade millions he owned if she could have her son back.

His friend wrote Trump a letter to get his attention, and it worked.

Barbara Zawistowski Rone:

When Mr. Trump received the letter, he wrote us a very personal letter regarding family and Riley. We never expected to hear from Mr. Trump, we don’t know Mr. Trump, he does not know us. He does now.

Within weeks of the letter, we received a phone call from his office asking would we take a phone call from Mr. Trump. We were watching FOX News and Mr. Trump was in Florida. He was sweating profusely in an airport hangar complaining of 114 degree weather. We watched him leave the stage, and within minutes our phone rang. It was Mr. Trump. He is amazing. He spent a good amount of time on the phone and it was very personal, I will not share what said, but I will share that Mr. Trump said that if it costs millions, he would give everything he owned if it would bring my Riley back.

What kind of man is this? What kind of man who is running for the highest office in our land, the president of the United States– he takes out the time from his campaign to call us…

Now, all you mothers out there, I want you to put yourself in our shoes for one minute. You fathers, too. I want you to please, please vote for Mr. Donald Trump in my son’s honor.

Source…

 

Oct 222016
 

Excellent letter found at the Lone Conservative.

Written by Summer Marie.

I really hope you do not become the first female president.

I write this not because I am some crazy, right-wing, anti-feminist conspirator; I hope you are not our first female president because it would be a disgrace to that title and a disgrace to all of the young women in our country who aspire to actually do some good for our nation.

Many people believe you are the best candidate for the position because you have been doing this political thing for a while—but when was the last time that you were able to relate to the common American?

You grew up in the rich white suburbs of Chicago as a young child and attended Yale. You then went on to ride Bill’s coattails all the way to your Senate seat as a former First Lady. Any true feminist would look at you and see that you are a fraud.

You get on your soapbox and claim that every woman who is a victim of sexual assault should be heard—but what about Juanita Broaddrick? Carolyn Moffet? Paula Corbin? Sara Allen-James? Christy Zercher? Kathleen Willey? Monica Lewinsky? All women who were sexually harassed or exploited by your husband.

Yet you stand by him continuously, defending him and helping clean up his messes. If you ask me, that’s not very appealing to me as a woman. You also stood by him after he openly admitted to having “sexual relations” with Monica. That sounds like a very conservative stand by my man move if you ask me.

If you were as independent as you portray yourself to be, why didn’t you just leave Bill? Because you needed his political access to get your foot in the door.

All of that aside, the sheer fact that you allowed four Americans to perish in Benghazi and then proceeded to later ask, “what difference does it make?” proves to me that you don’t care about American lives. Those were four American men who died. Four families in our country that suffered a loss. Four mothers that had to bury their sons.

“What difference does it make?”

“Because it’s not just a detail if it’s your kid, if it’s your family. It’s a big deal. And it should be a big deal to your president, too.”

A detail to you, former Secretary—but to those families, a huge difference.

Not to mention you want to allow all of these refugees in. Don’t get me wrong: I am a humanitarian. However, I, as an American citizen, am guaranteed safety as well as the safety of my future children and grandchildren in the Preamble of the Constitution of the United States.

The one thing, if nothing else, that you as someone running for President of the United States should uphold. I understand that we should help people, but at the end of the day, would Syria do the same for us? In our time of crisis it is our job first and foremost, and yours, to ensure our own citizen’s safety.

You use your platform of charitable humanitarian but now we are learning the extent to which your foundation is a fraud. It’s nothing but a money-laundering business that you can catch a tax break from.

Which, by the way, is a wee bit illegal.

You took up monetary donations after the Haiti earthquake and, yes, you did build a textile factory—on the opposite side of Haiti that wasn’t even affected by the earthquake. You also conveniently signed off Uranium to be given to Russia just after Uranium One shareholders deposited $145 million in donations to the Clinton Foundation. How thoughtful of them.

You also claim to be against big business and fight all the big bad business bullies, but you’re in bed with them!

Your daughter is, too. Your daughter married a former investor for Goldman Sachs. Your family managed to help spend some odd $3 million on their wedding. Wonder where that money really came from.

You claim to be a friend of the black community and that you’re going to help bring them out of poverty. Look around! You are a part of the administration that has left them where they are and you have no intentions of changing that. You want control. Your mentor Saul Alinsky taught you that.

You don’t know any struggle or strife. You are the epitome of “white privilege.” You traipse around in heinous $12,000 suits and preach about how you are for the people—how you are going to pull them out of poverty as you attend events where you give 20-minute speeches to the tune of $500,000 and eat $800 plates of food on your private plane.

You have never faced financial strife. What makes you think you can help fix our national debt crisis?

Above all things, if nothing else, the reason why I hope you don’t become the first female president is because you are a criminal. It does not matter if you didn’t intentionally use a server that was not secure. I may not intentionally go 55 in a 40 but the police officer is going to give me a ticket. I may notintentionally kill someone in a car accident; however, I can still go down for manslaughter. People don’t intentionally become drug addicts but you bet they still end up in prison for possession.

You think you are above the law. You manipulate the system, which is not what a leader does. It’s not right.

I am not some right-wing conspiracy theorist lunatic. I simply look at the facts.

These facts tell me that I wouldn’t let you look after my pet rock, much less this nation.

 

Yours truly,

A Real Future Female Leader

 

Why I’m Owed the Presidency: A Letter by Hillary Clinton

 Political  Comments Off on Why I’m Owed the Presidency: A Letter by Hillary Clinton
Sep 302016
 

queen-hillary

This takes courage for me to go public and correct the bad reviews I have been receiving from some of you stupid people for many years that are very envious of Bill and my success in the world. Our faithful supporters, believers, donors, welfare receivers, and low life people that wants to use our connections to gain access to power to benefit your personal wealth and or egos.

No it is not true that we stole furniture, china, artwork from the White House, we simply had intended to borrow it and return it as we had no place to go to at the moment as we were dead broke upon exiting the White House. We almost got away with it, but some low paying employee got “PO” and reported it to the world, so we returned all of it.

No Bill did not get impeached by the House of Representatives and he did not lose his law license for lying to the Grand Jury. Where does the lying media find this total BS????

Quite frankly I do not recall almost being indicted for Lying and Obstruction of Justice by the Feds. I never, never said I DO NOT RECALL, DO NOT REMEMBER WHILE UNDER OATH APPROXIMATELY 60 TIMES UNDER OATH. Damn Attorneys in Justice Department just wanted build their resumes’ abusing our integrity and ethics.

In this week’s debate I was smarter than Donald Trump, I came prepared to win regardless of the lies I had to tell, I wore an illegal ear piece in my ear and my hair covered it up. The internet media broke the story and as usual we will LIE AND DENY THE TRUTH because we are the Clinton’s and we make our own rules and laws. Trump scared hell out of me when he touched my back and failed to feel all the wires and box taped to me. Thank God for the joint I smoked to calmed me down.

Dear People, rest assured that me, Hillary Clinton is owed the job as President of this Country. I promise you that I will help you scum Middle Class People and continue to support you useless, lazy, stupid people drawing free government money for sitting on your butts, just keep believing my lies and vote for me. After I rape all of you for $1 Billion Dollars I will them take care of you big time, should the country not be bankrupt at the time.

I thank the FBI Director for his believing in me and the rich donors that want to buy access to Bill and I through our Charitable, Crooked, Corrupt Clinton Foundation. A special thanks to our Narrator at the debate and not wishing to cause him more problems by mentioning his name, your will be appointed as “Pope” to the Vatican representing our America for your honesty, concern and ethics in helping me win.

America, I now know you will have a better understanding of me and will not believe anything that still may be said about my Lies, Ethics, Family, and Corruption. Remember I am a helluva lot richer than you and I make the laws, standards that we the Clinton Family live by. I own the Media, FBI, and you will not do anything about it or you could accidentally be involved in your Sucicide or Death.

Regards,

Love and Kisses, Hillary

 
via

An Open Letter To Khizr Khan

 Political  Comments Off on An Open Letter To Khizr Khan
Aug 012016
 

A must read!

An Open Letter To Khizr KhanDear Mr. Khan,

I want to preface this letter by stating that I respect your son’s sacrifice for this great nation. By all accounts, he is a true hero that sacrificed himself in service to our country. For that I am thankful.

As a veteran, I watched your comments at the Democratic National Convention with a mixture of sadness, and anger. The United States has a military comprised of volunteers. Every single member has made the conscious choice to join the military and serve. There is not a single service member who has been forced into service. It is important for all service members (and apparently, their families) to understand that service to this great nation does not imbue one with special privileges or rights. I found your comments troubling when you said: “Have you ever been to Arlington cemetery? Go look at the graves of brave patriots who died defending the United States of America. You will see all faiths, genders and ethnicities. You have sacrificed nothing and no one.”

Does it matter whether Mr. Trump has sacrificed “…nothing and no one?”…has Ms. Clinton “..sacrificed” for this nation? How about Mr. Obama? Your comment stating that Mr. Trump “…has sacrifice no one” is alarming. Are you intimating that YOU sacrificed? Sir, your son willingly sacrificed himself. As a father I cannot imagine the pain you must feel but his sacrifice is his own. He was not forced to serve.

I am troubled that you would allow a party that has little more than contempt for the US Service Member to parade you into the DNC to denounce Donald Trump. Did you watch when protesters at the DNC booed and heckled Medal of Honor recipient Capt. Florent Groberg? Did you notice your party interrupting the moment of silence for slain police officers? Your own hypocrisy in not denouncing these acts and instead using the DNC as a platform to make a political point is disgraceful. The simple fact is that whether one served or sacrificed does not give greater power to their statements. One vote is as valuable as another. That sir, is why our Country is great. Your condemnation of one person for a statement while standing idly as your party disparages veterans and police officers is the height of hypocrisy.

To conflate the need to prevent potential terrorists from entering our country with the belief that ‘all Muslims’ should be banned is simply wrong and disingenuous. As a reminder, Mr. Trump said: ” “Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by people that believe only in Jihad, and have no sense of reason or respect for human life,” The irony of your son’s own death at the hands of these very people in Iraq should not be ignored. I have little doubt that your son would have recognized the need to protect our country from these very people. In fact, he held is own troops back so that he could check on a suspicious car. Your son understood sacrifice and how to protect “his people”…’his soldiers’….’his fellow Americans’…

As you continue to make the media circuit and bask in the glow of affection cast upon you by a party that has little regard for your son’s own sacrifice, and veterans in general, I would ask you to consider your comments and your position more closely.

Respectfully,

Chris Mark

US Marine and Navy Veteran.

Source…

 

Mar 032016
 

A GREAT ANALOGY explaining the Trump phenomenon to the Washington elite by an 80 year old American.

You’ve been on vacation for two weeks, you come home, and your basement is infested with raccoons. Hundreds of rabid, messy, mean raccoons have overtaken your basement. You want them gone immediately…You call the city and four different exterminators, but nobody could handle the job. There is this one guy however, who guarantees you he will get rid of them, so you hire him. You don’t care if the guy smells, you don’t care if the guy swears, you don’t care how many times he’s been married, you don’t care if he was friends with liberals, you don’t care if he has plumber’s crack…you simply want those raccoons gone!

Explaining The Trump Phenomenon To The Washington Elite

It doesn’t matter who you support for President in 2016. This letter will make you want to stand up and cheer for the 80 year old American who expresses what most of us are feeling right now. Enjoy…

RNC
P.O. Box 96994
Washington DC 20090-6994

Dear Representative,

From the time I was able to vote I voted Republican. I am 80 years old, and have a great deal of respect and influence with hundreds of senior ball players who also network with thousands of others around the country.

I received your questionnaire and request for money and strongly agree with every question, as I have since Obama was elected. Unfortunately the one question that was missing is “What have the Republicans done for the American people?” We gave you a majority in the House and Senate, yet you never listened to us. Now you want our money.

You should be more concerned about our votes, not our money. You are the establishment, which means all you want is to save your jobs and line your pockets… Well guess what? “It’s not going to happen” You shake in your boots when I tell you we’re giving our support to TRUMP and he hasn’t asked for a dime.

You might think we are fools because you feel Trump is on a self destruction course, but you need to look beyond Washington and listen to the masses. Nobody has achieved what he has, especially in the liberal state of New York.

You clearly don’t understand why the Trump movement is so strong, so I’d like to share with you an analogy to help explain the Trump phenomenon. By the way, it’s not just the Republicans who feel ignored and disrespected, there are plenty of Democrats and Independents who also feel let down by the Washington elite. You seem to have  forgotten about “We The People” and who hired you to represent us.

So here it is, the best analogy I could come up with. Here is the reason so many Americans have boarded the Trump Train, and why you’re pleas to come back to the party who deserted us, is falling on deaf ears:

You’ve been on vacation for two weeks, you come home, and your basement is infested with raccoons. Hundreds of rabid, messy, mean raccoons have overtaken your basement. You want them gone immediately…You call the city and four different exterminators, but nobody could handle the job. There is this one guy however, who guarantees you he will get rid of them, so you hire him. You don’t care if the guy smells, you don’t care if the guy swears, you don’t care how many times he’s been married, you don’t care if he was friends with liberals, you don’t care if he has plumber’s crack…you simply want those raccoons gone! You want your problem fixed! He’s the guy. He’s the best. Period. Here’s why we want Trump: Yes he’s a bit of an ass, yes he’s an egomaniac, but we don’t care. The country is a mess because politicians have become too self-serving. The Republican Party is two-faced & gutless. Illegal aliens have been allowed to invade our nation. We want it all fixed! We don’t care that Trump is crude, we don’t care that he insults people, we don’t care that he had been friendly with Hillary, we don’t care that he has changed positions, we don’t care that he’s been married three times, we don’t care that he fights with Megan Kelly and Rosie O’Donnell, we don’t care that he doesn’t know the name of some Muslim terrorist.This country is weak, bankrupt, our enemies are making fun of us, we are being invaded by illegal aliens and bringing tens of thousands of Muslim refugees to America, while leaving Christians behind to be persecuted. We are becoming a nation of victims where every Tom, Ricardo and Hasid is part of a special group with special rights, to the point where we don’t even recognize the country we were born and raised in; “AND WE JUST WANT IT FIXED” and Trump is the only guy who seems to understand what the people want.

We’re sick of politicians. We’re sick of the Democratic Party and the Republican Party. We just want this thing fixed. Trump may not be a saint, but he isn’t beholden to lobbyist money and he doesn’t have political correctness restraining him. All we know is that he has been very successful, he’s an excellent negotiator, he has built a lot of things, and he’s also not a politician. He’s definitely not a cowardly politician. When he says he’ll fix it, we believe him because he is too much of an egotist to be proven wrong or looked at and called a liar.

Oh yeah…I forgot…we don’t care if the guy has bad hair either. 

We just want those raccoons gone.

Out of your house.

NOW!

Source…

 
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Claus For Concern

 Amusing, Funny  Comments Off on Claus For Concern
Dec 172015
 

Claus For ConcernDear Santa,

We’re worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps, and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.

The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have “a clear-cut case of rosacea,” a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your “cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry.” Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion … all things you may encounter this time of year.

The one bright note in Dr. Litt’s message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about your facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs.

OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We’ve seen the pictures; we’ve noticed you in the malls. And we’ve heard that your tummy shakes “like a bowlful of jelly” when you chuckle. On this, we’ll take part of the blame. All these years, we’ve set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make an overnight snack of 2,000,000 cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it’s time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to consult a physician before beginning any exercise regimen.

PIPE SMOKING: You’ve been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it’s only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said “the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.” According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker’s risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer, and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe’s just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you’re not just a saint; you’re a role model.

STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news service says laughter — as evidenced by your trademark “Ho, ho, ho” — is one of the best stress-busters going.

SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland (WA) said his people never actually go into a chimney, and they wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.

RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we’ve noticed you’re also receiving, and answering, e-mail on at least four Internet addresses. We applaud your move on to the information superhighway, with this caution: Too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.

DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood (WA). Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.

FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA: You usually bundle up, and that’s good. A Weather Service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.

MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.

MEMORY TROUBLE: It’s been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or are you developing a little memory problem?

SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.

VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is cold and flu season, don’t you?

JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness, and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in one night, like you do.

SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We’ve seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we’d sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through metropolitan areas, be sure to cover the load. You wouldn’t want to have an accident that would boost your insurance rates, would you?

Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, don’t you?

 
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