|Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A 4-chin teller.
|Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.
Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.
The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors’ love.
She summoned all three suitors to the grand hall and announced – “whoever brings me the most ping pong balls shall have my hand in marriage – this is my test of love!” Each suitor goes off to meet the challenge.
The first suitor comes back a few weeks later with loads and loads of horse drawn carriages filled with ping pong balls. The convoy stretches as far as the eye can see. All together they amount to 1 million ping pong balls and the princess is impressed.
The second suitor realizes he has to up his game and hires a fleet of ships to gather deliver the ping pong balls. A few months later ships upon ships line the harbor in front of the princess’ castle, and the princess swoons at the sight of 100 million ping pong balls being offered to her.
The third and final suitor then shows up a year later. He’s all bloodied and beaten up, horrible scars across his arms. In his left hand he clutches a big brown heavy sack. The princess confronts him, clearly unimpressed and says “what are you doing!? Clearly this can’t beat the 100 million ping pong balls I had from my second suitor! Stop wasting my time!”
Confused, the third suitor says to the princess as she turns to leave “but my princess, I thought you said KING KONG balls!!”
|A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”
“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”
“Well now,” the guide replied, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”
“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.
“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”
|Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
|It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war. A private came charging into his Lieutenant’s office and said ” Lieutenant, we don’t have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?”
“I don’t have time to deal with this right now” the lieutenant thought.
He grabbed a broom, sawed off the bottom, and handed it to the solder. “Here use this instead.”
“How is this going to work?”
“When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang'”.
So the private ran out with his new “rifle”. But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying “Lieutenant, we don’t have enough bayonets!”
The Lieutenant grabbed a piece of string off of his desk and gave it the private. “When you see the bad guys coming just throw this at them and say ‘Stabity Stab Stab, Stab Stab.'”
So the private was all ready for his war. He was sitting in a fox hole, hating being out there, when he saw an enemy creeping along the top of a nearby hill.
He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guy and said “Bangity Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang” and he fell down dead.
“Wow this really works” thought the private. He started going through the underbrush when another enemy jumped out and try to gut him – he threw his string at him and said, ‘Stabbity Stab Stab!’. The enemy fell down, dead.
Pretty soon, he saw another guy rampaging through the woods. He pointed his broomstick at him and yelled, ‘Bangity Bang Bang!’ Nothing, so he did it again, ‘Bangity Bang Bang!’ The guy was stomping he’s feet. He threw the string, Stabbit Stab Stab!’ The enemy kept stomping towards him and plowed over him, stomping him into the ground.
Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he went past “Tankity Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank.”
|One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?”, God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”
“What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?”
“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.”, replies the heavenly voice.
“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”
“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.
“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”
The rest, as they say, is history.
|At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”
“I don’t know about that,” answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.
“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”
|A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
|Four Men are waiting outside the maternity ward.
The ward was extremely busy, so all the husbands were asked to wait in the waiting area. A short time later, the head nurse comes out, walks up to the first guy, and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s so weird!” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
The nurse comes back out a minute later and says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s odd,” replies the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
The nurse returns from the delivery room several minutes later and tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That makes sense,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong?!” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
|An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
“They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” He says. “She got in the backseat by mistake.”
|A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.
So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The sales guy brought the man to a parrot in the back.
“Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal” the salesman said.
“What makes him so special?” the man asked.
The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet’s right foot, and Chet started to sing “Jingle bells, jingle bells..” and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing “Deck the halls…”
So the man asked, “What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?”
“Well I don’t know” answered the salesman.
So he holds the lighter between the parrot’s legs and instantly Chet began to sing…
“Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”