|A retired older couple return to a BMW dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there.” “And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man… “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get him to lower the price… see you later, Dad.”
|There’s an old Native American man that sits in a teepee along the road I take to work.
Every morning for a while now I stop in and ask him what the weather will be that day. Rain, snow, sun, clouds. He’s always right.
Well yesterday I stopped in just like normal and asked what the weather was going to be like.
“Got no clue”, he said.
I was shocked. “What’s different about today that you don’t know?”
He just shook his head sadly. “Radio broke.”
|At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”.
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”
“Yes, Senor Rod.”
“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”
“Your wife’s, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.”
VERY LONG SILENCE.
“Ernesto… if you scratched that shotgun, you’re in deep sh*t.”
|A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”
“Pay first. Those are the rules,” says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
“O.K.,” the bartender says. “Here’s what you need to do:
First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can’t make a face while doing it.
Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there’s a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You’ve got to make things right for her.”
The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, “Where’s zat tequila?”
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
“NOW,” he says, “Where’s the old woman with the sore tooth?”
|Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London …
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali :- ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?’
Ali says, ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’?
Habib’s sign reads ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.
Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says… ‘So what does your sign say’?
Ali shows Habib his sign…. It reads, ‘I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan’.
|In order to pay his medical school tuition, a student was working two jobs over the summer. One was as a butcher’s assistant and the other as a hospital orderly, both jobs that required the young man wear a long white coat.
One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery when she sat up suddenly, looked him in the eye, and screamed, “God save me! It’s the butcher!”
|Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, ‘My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.’
Lorna responds, ‘Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.’
‘My word,’ says Kate, ‘You must be so proud.’
‘I am,’ announces Lorna, ‘And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.’