German vs Italian Technology
|A nun, who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: ‘Do you men know Jesus Christ?’
They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, ’Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?’
One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?
The worker yelled back, ‘His wife’s here with his lunch!’
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:
But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:
|When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
|The bartender asks “Why the long face?”
The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”
The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself.”
The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy.”
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
“Did you kill the guy?” The bartender asks nervously.
“Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”
You must’ve misheard me.
I said you look fat in those pants.
|A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven – others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellows curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.
‘Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,’ he said.’ I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?’
‘Ah, those…’ Satan said with a groan.’ They’re all from Seattle; they’re too wet to burn!’
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog (duh?).
What did she think I had – an elephant?
On impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Did you know you can use toothpaste to determine if you’re pregnant?
Here are the five simple steps: