Jan 212017
 
Rubber Chicken A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated ‘right’ as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

“Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”

 

 

 

Jan 182017
 

old-man-corncob-pipeNow that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered…

1. I started out with nothing … I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

10. Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

11. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

13. It’s not the pace of life that concerns me; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

14. It’s hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven’t been anywhere.

15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

16. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

 

Jan 162017
 

The Perfect Man And The Perfect Woman

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling ****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

 

Jan 162017
 
Rubber Chicken A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. “Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. “Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she said.

“Well,” thought the man, “might as well carry on.”

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. “Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. “Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

“Who are you?” the man asked.

“Hello” said the ugly fat man, “I’m Cess!”

 

 

 

Jan 152017
 

noahs-ark

Biblical Questions and Answers

Q: Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A: Ruth-less.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: HondA:..because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: “We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement.”

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A: In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were really put out.

Q: What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A: They really raised Cain.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head before.

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.

Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A: Because in Job 16:12 we read, “I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me.”

Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

 

Jan 152017
 
Rubber Chicken A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.