Jul 182017
 
Joke Of The Day: Correcting Their Ways A nun, who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: ‘Do you men know Jesus Christ?’

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, ’Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?’

One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?

The worker yelled back, ‘His wife’s here with his lunch!’

 

 

 

Jul 172017
 

What Was Jesus?There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

  1. He called everyone “brother”
  2. He liked Gospel
  3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

  1. He went into His Fathers business.
  2. He lived at home until he was 33.
  3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

  1. He talked with his hands.
  2. He had wine with every meal.
  3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

  1. He never cut his hair.
  2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
  3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

  1. He never got married.
  2. He was always telling stories.
  3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

  1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
  2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
  3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

 
 

Jul 172017
 
Joke Of The Day: Drinking And Your Health When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

 

 

 

Jul 162017
 
Joke Of The Day: Drink Myself To Death The bartender asks “Why the long face?”

The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”

The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself.”

The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?”

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy.”

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

“Did you kill the guy?” The bartender asks nervously.

“Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”

 

 

 

Jul 152017
 
  1. I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.
  1. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  1. If you’re here, who’s running hell?
  1. I swear I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again.
  1. Would you like to dance? 

       No? 

          You must’ve misheard me. 

              I said you look fat in those pants.

  1. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  1. Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face looks kind of funky.
  1. If I promise to miss you, will you go, like, really far away?
  1. Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
  1. Take my advice — it’s not like I’m dumb enough to.
  1. Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.
  1. Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally this terrible of a person?
  1. If at first you don’t succeed, stop trying already. You’re probably dumb.
  1. My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.
  1. You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends.
  1. I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.”
  1. Why is it that everything you love is either unhealthy, addictive, or has multiple restraining orders against you?
  1. When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on.
  1. Those of you who think you know it all are reallyannoying to those of us who do.
  1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  1. Hear that? It’s the sound of you not talking for once.
  1. I’m pretty sure I married someone else’s soulmate. If only they’d come around and take him off my hands.
  1. My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.
  1. Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?
  1. Your opinion is very important to me. Please stay on the line until you hear the beep for voicemail.
  1. Hi there, I’m human. What are you?
  1. Always remember: You’re just as unique as everybody else.
  1. Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground.
  1. I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  1. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it since you’re not that bright.
  1. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
  1. Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose.
  1. Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—once you shove them down the stairs, that is.
  1. If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it’s because I already have.
  1. The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I’ll get out of jail for it. Don’t assume that’s not a major incentive.
  1. This obviously isn’t working out. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable.
  1. If you need so much space, there’s always NASA.
  1. They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts already.
  1. Your mind might want to dance, but your body is a really awkward white guy.
  1. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  1. Sorry, my dog ate your text again.
  1. Would you rather have a million bucks, or [insert name]’s head full of nickels?
  1. Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must be none of your business then.
  1. So many freaks, so few circuses.
  1. If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.
  1. I have as much authority as the Pope. There just aren’t as many people who believe it.
  1. Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
  1. I’d be fine if there weren’t so much blood in my alcohol system.
  1. Masturbation is like procrastination—it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just f**king yourself.
  1. Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.

 

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Jul 152017
 
Joke Of The Day: Northwest Hell A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven – others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellows curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.

‘Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,’ he said.’ I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?’

‘Ah, those…’ Satan said with a groan.’ They’re all from Seattle; they’re too wet to burn!’

 

 

 

Jul 142017
 
The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog (duh?).

What did she think I had – an elephant?

On impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 
 

Jul 142017
 

The toothpaste pregnancy test

The Toothpaste Pregnancy Test

Did you know you can use toothpaste to determine if you’re pregnant?

Here are the five simple steps:

  1. Open the toothpaste.
  2. Draw 9 dots on the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste.
  3. After each month, wipe one of the dots away.
  4. When there are no more dots left on the mirror, look around the room.
  5. If there is a baby there, congratulations, the test is positive. If there isn’t, try again next time.