|An army trainer was teaching his recruits about survival in the desert. “What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?” he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then Gus in the back eagerly raised his hand.
“Yes Gus, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?”
Gus replied: “A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.”
“Why’s that Gus?”
“Well,” answered Gus, “the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration…”
“And what about the deck of cards?” asked trainer impatiently.
“Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, “Put that red nine on top of that black ten!”
A cow in Northeast Texas has apparently defied great odds and given birth to four calves that have been named Eeny, Meeny, Miny and Moo.
|After spending several hours wandering through the woods, Bob and Jim are thoroughly lost. Disorientated, they sit down to discuss what to do next.
“Hey, I have an idea,” says Bob. “If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us.”
Jim agrees, so each of them fires their shots. An hour later, nobody has come to help, so they decide to fire three more shots. Another hour passes – still no one.
“Okay lets try this one more time” says Bob.
“Dude, this had better work,” replies Jim. “These are our last arrows”.
“Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Scarlett Johanssen had a baby!”
“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
“Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
“Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
“Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Jonah Hill!”
“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
“Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
“Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”
Two words: “babe magnet”!
“Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
“Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
“Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
“No honey, you’re in just the shape that God wants you to be in… in a couple months, maybe you’ll be in the shape I want you to be in…”
“Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
“Sure you’ll get your figure back — we’ll just search 2015 where you left it.”
“Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”
“Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for two – but he didn’t mean two orcas.”
“Honey — Come show the guys your Brando impression!”
“Hey Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!”
“How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”
“Sweetheart, where’d you put that Victoria’s Secret catalog?”
“What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”
“Hey, when you’re finished pukin’ in there, get me a beer, willya?”
“Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?”
“That’s not a bun in the oven — it’s the whole friggin’ bakery!”
“You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive.”
“Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support.”
“Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”
“No, I don’t know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?”
“I know today’s your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that’s a reason to celebrate, too.”
“You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lard-ass.”
|A couple go to a bar during karaoke night, and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.
“Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?” they ask him.
“I would love to! As a matter of fact, I’m a justice too, so I could even wed you two in the same day!” he replied.
So it was settled, and the man showed up to their wedding, and he performed a beautiful ceremony.
Everything was going just perfect … until the reception. Every song the man sang was absolutely horrendous; he was off-key in every verse, and at some points even forgot the lyrics.
So the moral of the story is:
Never book a judge by his cover.
Things you can say in response to literally anything, when you have nothing else to say:
* As the prophecy foretold.
* But at what cost?
* So let it be written; so let it be done.
* So, it’s come to this.
* That’s just what (he)(she)(they) would’ve said.
* And this is why fate brought us together.
* And thus, I die.
* …just like in my dream…
* Be that as it may, still may it be as it may be.
* There is no escape from destiny
* Wise words by wise men write wise deeds in wise pen.
* In THIS economy?
* …and then the wolves came.
|A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he’s being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it,and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
“Wow,” comments the midget, “Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
“Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,” says the little fellow, “but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them.”
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says, “Okay, hand me your wallet or I’ll jump off the ladder!”