|A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
|Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied: “Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said: “I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”
|Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his behind.
“If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”
“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck in my rear end.”
“I do not understand,” said the other.
The first terrorist says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”
I said, “No sh*t?”
God Bless America!
President Trump in a classic pie fight with Washington’s Stooges!
STILL NOT SICK OF WINNING!
|A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. “Were you unhappy with your purchase?” asks the shopkeeper. “We have other models that might work better.”
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks “What’s the matter, didn’t like the new one either?”
“Well” replies the man. “To be honest it was pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!”
|When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor.So I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters
PNEIS into the name of an important human body part
which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today.
“The rest of us are sending jokes via email!”
|Back in the Mexican revolution a bunch of armed men enter a convent and start rounding up all of the nuns in the cafeteria. The leader of the bandits starts yelling:
“We are part of the Pancho Villa army and it is our right to take what we want! We want all of your food and supplies!”
Sister Mary yells from the back: Not the chickens, please, not the chickens!
“I said ALL of your food and supplies!” replied the bandit. “Plus, we are going to rape everyone of you!”
“Not Superior Sister Prudence, please! She’s 80 years old!” yelled sister Mary again.
Before the bandit could say anything there was a commotion in the back. It was Superior Sister Prudence making her way to the front yelling: “He said EVERYONE!”.