Feb 242017
 

The Three Little Pigs: Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.” And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said, “Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.” So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house
down.” And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said, “Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!”

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.” The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared!

But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out stepped two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! “Who were those guys?” they asked.

The brick pig replied: “Those were my cousins… The Guinea Pigs”

 

Feb 242017
 
Rubber Chicken An illegal immigrant picks up a prostitute. “Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?” he asks.

“$100,” she replies.

In broken English he says, “Do you do Immigrant Style?”

“No,” she says.

“I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.”

“No,” she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

“I pay you $300.”

“No,” she says.

“I pay you $400.”

“No,” she says.

So finally he says, “OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.”

She thinks, “Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now. I’ve had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?”

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, “Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is ‘Immigrant Style’?”

The illegal immigrant replies, “You send bill to Government.”

 

 

 

Feb 232017
 
Rubber Chicken Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

 

 

 

Feb 222017
 
Rubber Chicken An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said…”let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.”

 

 

 

Feb 212017
 

Thumbs upMy first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef -figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

Feb 212017
 
Rubber Chicken There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device, a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. You impotent bastard, She screamed at him, How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids.

 

 

 

Feb 202017
 
Rubber Chicken Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: “Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said: “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Dolly was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”