|There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”
|A hillbilly wants to become a journalist. So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree.
For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on “Happy Times.”
He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sitting on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly agrees to the interview.
The new journalist says “Tell me a story on happy times and the old man replies “One time my neighbor lost his sheep in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found it, we all took turns on it”.
The journalist was like I can’t write that, “Tell me another happy story”.
The old man replies again “One time my neighbor lost his daughter in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found her we all took turns on her”.
The journalist thought this story was worse and decided to use some reverse psychology and says “Tell me a story on sad times”.
The old man looks down real sad and says “I got lost once”.
Dear Ma & Pa,
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings.
Like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board.
Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don’t bother you none. This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,