Sep 132017
 

How To Of The Day: How To Milk A Cow

From The Art Of Manliness:

For most men and boys-soon-to-be-men, long gone are the days when milking a cow was a chore as common as doing the dishes. Now mostly done by high-tech machines at commercial dairies, the task of milking a cow by hand once brought farmers and their families into close bonds with the animals that helped to feed them every day. If you’re a city dweller, it’s unlikely you’ll come across a situation that demands you milk a cow, save for some post-apocalyptic future where healthy, milk-producing dairy cows are readily available and you’re in desperate need of some ice cream. But that’s not the point. The point is, milking a cow by hand is a tradition deep-rooted in the blood of our agricultural ancestors and learning how to do it is as much about preserving that knowledge as it is about practicing it.

Illustration by Ted Slampyak

 
 

Sep 112017
 
Joke Of The Day: Some Things You Just Can't Explain A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.

A man came in and asked the farmer, ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?’

The farmer shook his head and replied, ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’

‘So what happened that’s so horrible?’ the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

‘Well,’ the farmer said, ‘today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.’

‘Okay,’ said the man, ‘but that’s not so bad.’ ‘Some things you just can’t explain,’ the farmer replied.

‘So what happened then?’ the man asked.

The farmer said, ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.’

‘And then?’ ‘Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.

Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.’

Man laughed and said, ‘Again?’ The farmer replied, ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’

‘So, what did you do then?’ the man asked. ‘I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.’

‘And then?’ ‘Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.

Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.’

‘Hmmm . . . ‘ the man said and nodded his head. ‘Some things you just can’t explain,’ the farmer said.

‘So, what did you do?’ the man asked.

‘Well,’ the farmer said, ‘I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can’t explain.’

 

 

 

Sep 102017
 
Joke Of The Day: Farmer Bob And Farmer Jim Farmer Bob and Farmer Jim were having an ongoing feud. They were both cattle farmers, but Jim’s herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money.

So Bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting with various methods of enhancing his cattle. After several unsuccessful attempts, he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while at the same time, making them more docile and hungrier.

Hearing of his rival’s success, Jim immediately went to the police and disclosed to them Bob’s revolutionary (but illegal) new method.

While standing trial, Bob explained to the judge that the beef from his weed-enhanced cows was the most delicious meat in the world.

The judge, liking red meat as much as the next guy, demanded to taste it. So Bob slaughtered a steer and grilled up a cut for the judge. Upon tasting it, the judge immediately found Bob not guilty.

Later, at a barbecue to celebrate his victory, Bob and the judge were discussing his trial. The judge said, “I’ve presided over thousands of really stressful trials, but in your case, the steaks have never been higher!”

 

 

 

Aug 272017
 
Joke Of The Day: An Interview With A Farmer A local farmer was being interviewed.

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Ummm, the brown one.

Farmer: A couple of quarts per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of quarts per day.

Interviewer (who, by this time, is naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine.

 

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Farm Life

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Mar 212017
 
Rubber Chicken A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment, then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

 

 

 

Joke Of The Day: The Traveling Salesman

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Jul 272016
 
Rubber Chicken The traveling salesman’s car broke down in the country and he knocked on the farmhouse door. When the farmer opened the door, the salesman said, “Sir, my car has broken down, and I was wondering if you might be able to put me up for the night?”

The farmer said, “Why, sure, but you will have to sleep with my son.”

The salesman hesitated then said, “Excuse me, sir, but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

 

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Speeding Farmer

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Jul 122016
 
Rubber Chicken A farmer is transporting donkeys across the interstate.

He is driving at a brisk but legal pace when he was suddenly pulled over by a two state troopers.

The first trooper says, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

The farmer looked at him, puzzled, and replied, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I was going five miles below the speed limit!”

The first trooper angrily looks over at the second and says, “You told me he was speeding!”

Flustered, the second officer replies, “No no no, I said he was hauling ass!”

 

 

 

Seasonal Produce Guide

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Jun 052016
 

Seasonal Produce Guide

Arguments abound for eating seasonally, but it can be a little tricky to keep track of what’s available when. While one could always just take a stroll through the market to find out what’s at its prime, that can make meal planning a bit tricky. Instead, check out this comprehensive glossary, and you’ll know what to expect at your market, what to look forward to in months to come, and what to get your fill of before it’s gone.

Source…

 

Joke Of The Day: Horns

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Feb 112016
 
Rubber Chicken A born-and-bred New Yorker is in the country when he sees a field of animals and says to the farmer. “What a strange looking cow. Why doesn’t it have horns?”

“Well, there are several reasons,” the farmer replies. “Some cows get their horns late, while others have their horns cut off, and still others never even grow horns.”

“And this cow?” the city man asks.

“Well, the reason this cow doesn’t have any horns is because it’s a horse.”

 

 

An Old Farmer’s Advice

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Aug 152015
 

An Old Farmer's Advice

  • Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
  • Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
  • Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
  • A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
  • Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.
  • Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
  • Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
  • Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
  • It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
  • You cannot unsay a cruel word.
  • Every path has a few puddles.
  • When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
  • The best sermons are lived, not preached.
  • Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
  • Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
  • Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  • Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
  • Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
  • Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
  • Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
  • The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
  • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
  • If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
  • Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.