You Know You Are In A Redneck Church If…
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… The congregation of 500 members only has seven last names in the church directory.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… instead of bells, you are called to service by a duck call.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Strawberry Hill”.
- You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… that “Thou shall not covet” thing applies to huntin’ dogs, too.
Perils Of A Catholic Upbringing
As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for Mass my eyes fell upon one of those unfortunate ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to “care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked”, I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person’s condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, “Reach out . . . reach out . . . and touch this person!”
So I did.
I won’t be at Mass this week.
Talk about a loyal dog! This is a sad, but uplifting story of devotion.
Ciccio, a German shepherd, whose owner passed away last year, visits the church every day where her funeral was held patiently waiting for her to return.
Ciccio belonged to Maria Margherita Lochi and had been her faithful companion after she adopted him when she found him abandoned in fields close to her home. Maria would walk to church with Ciccio from her home every day where the priest would allow him to sit patiently by her feet.
Ciccio’s devotion has so impressed villagers that they have adopted him as their own, giving him food and water and letting him sleep in a covered area outside the church.
Pastor: “Praise the Lord!”
Pastor: “Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.”
“Now, Let us pray committing this week into God’s hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God”
“As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready. You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password ‘Lord909887. The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements…
- This week’s ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don’t miss out.
- Thursday’s Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don’t miss out.
- You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.
God bless you and have nice day.
A study analyzing Twitter data paints the country by preference for two of its favorite pastimes: beer or church. The study, which was done by geography nerds at Floating Sheep, looks at all geo-tagged tweets from a one week period and extracts tweets containing the words “church” and/or “beer”.
At first glance the map looks as one might expect. The southeast United States glows red with the wholesome, while everyone living in New England, the Rust Belt and just about everyone west of Saint Louis chooses to attend to the the Church of the Almighty Brew. San Franciscans are most verbose in their beery prayers, followed closely by Boston. Which makes sense, because you’d have to be drunk to make it through a Boston winter or listen to a San Franciscan drone endlessly on about how progressive they are.
Upon closer inspection, however, there are a few anomalies. The entirety of the Washington Metro Area tweets piously, with the tiny exception of the District itself— which is populated by a hoard of drunken louts. Which is weird, because I always thought of the D.C. suburbs as soulless places filled with the legions of the damned. Speaking of which, almost all of Maryland goes in the church column, again with the exception of Baltimore.
Still, the whole D.C. area can take solace in not being Dallas, which won the dubious distinction as the “my tweets are holier than thous” twitter hub of the country with a whopping 178 church related tweets. One more reason to never move to Dallas.