You Know You Are In A Redneck Church If…

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Jun 242016

You Know You Are In A Redneck Church If…

  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… The congregation of 500 members only has seven last names in the church directory.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… instead of bells, you are called to service by a duck call.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Strawberry Hill”.
  • You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if… that “Thou shall not covet” thing applies to huntin’ dogs, too.


Joke Of The Day: A Well Rounded Church

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Apr 072016
Rubber Chicken There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday.

There was one for those new to the faith.

Another for those who liked traditional worship.

One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back.

And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it.

They have names for each of the services: “Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers.”



Joke Of The Day: Bake Sale Cake

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May 162015
Rubber Chicken Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this… especially all the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last-minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.”



Joke Of The Day: Cry Sunday

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May 152015
Rubber Chicken A woman named Jill stood up at her church’s Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, “Cry Sunday”, one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

“I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month.

He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.”

The congregation gasped in horror.

The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

“Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident.

He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food.

He can hardly lift anything, he’s in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it.

He can’t lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need.

Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations.

He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion.

I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.”

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, “there but for the grace of God go I.”

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

“My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.

That word is: STERNUM!



Perils Of A Catholic Upbringing

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Sep 102014
Perils Of A Catholic Upbringing

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for Mass my eyes fell upon one of those unfortunate ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to “care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked”, I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person’s condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, “Reach out . . . reach out . . . and touch this person!”



Perils Of A Catholic Upbringing

So I did.

Perils Of A Catholic Upbringing 2

I won’t be at Mass this week.


Joke Of The Day: Cowboy Joe

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Jul 142014
Rubber Chicken Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.

“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.

“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.

“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.

“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.

“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.

“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.

“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.

“Pew,” Charlie retorted.

“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”



Loyal Dog Attends Mass Every Day Since Owner Died

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Jan 152014

Loyal Dog Ciccio

Talk about a loyal dog! This is a sad, but uplifting story of devotion.

Ciccio, a German shepherd, whose owner passed away last year, visits the church every day where her funeral was held patiently waiting for her to return.

Ciccio belonged to Maria Margherita Lochi and had been her faithful companion after she adopted him when she found him abandoned in fields close to her home. Maria would walk to church with Ciccio from her home every day where the priest would allow him to sit patiently by her feet.

Ciccio’s devotion has so impressed villagers that they have adopted him as their own, giving him food and water and letting him sleep in a covered area outside the church.



Church Services Of The Future

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Sep 082013

Pastor: “Praise the Lord!”

Congregation: “Hallelujah!”

Pastor: “Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.”


“Now, Let us pray committing this week into God’s hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God”


“As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready. You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password ‘Lord909887. The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:

Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements…

  • This week’s ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don’t miss out.
  • Thursday’s Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don’t miss out.
  • You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.

God bless you and have nice day.


American Preferences: Church Or Beer

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Jun 062013

Beer And Church Tweets

A study analyzing Twitter data paints the country by preference for two of its favorite pastimes: beer or church. The study, which was done by geography nerds at Floating Sheep, looks at all geo-tagged tweets from a one week period and extracts tweets containing the words “church” and/or “beer”.

At first glance the map looks as one might expect. The southeast United States glows red with the wholesome, while everyone living in New England, the Rust Belt and just about everyone west of Saint Louis chooses to attend to the the Church of the Almighty Brew. San Franciscans are most verbose in their beery prayers, followed closely by Boston. Which makes sense, because you’d have to be drunk to make it through a Boston winter or listen to a San Franciscan drone endlessly on about how progressive they are.

Upon closer inspection, however, there are a few anomalies. The entirety of the Washington Metro Area tweets piously, with the tiny exception of the District itself— which is populated by a hoard of drunken louts. Which is weird, because I always thought of the D.C. suburbs as soulless places filled with the legions of the damned. Speaking of which, almost all of Maryland goes in the church column, again with the exception of Baltimore.

Still, the whole D.C. area can take solace in not being Dallas, which won the dubious distinction as the “my tweets are holier than thous” twitter hub of the country with a whopping 178 church related tweets. One more reason to never move to Dallas.