|Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100 % of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
This guide from Chicago’s Home Run Inn Premium Pizzeria compares 30 different types of pizza and tells you what beers go best with each.
In food there are many relationships that smart people refer to as symbiotic: knives and their cutting boards, salad and its’ dressing, omelettes y fromage. Without one, the other is basically useless.
The relationship between pizza and beer is an obvious example of this. Without beer, what even is pizza? Gooey, crunchy, savory, decadent, awesome, fulfilling, iconic- all yes, but necessary? Life-affirming? Mind-altering? Not without beer. Not without multiple consecutive beers. No. I’m afarid not.
And in turn, what is beer without pizza? Sudsy, sure, and tasty, intoxicating, revitalizing- but immaculate? Better than oxygen? The root of all joy? Not without several piping-hot pizza slices in succession. That’s for sure.
See what I mean? It’s true. Neither reaches its potential without the other. But how do you know which beer goes best with which pizza? How do you know you’re getting all there is to get out of your pizza and beer pairings? You don’t. Or, you didn’t. At least, not until now.
In the Ultimate Pizza & Beer Pairing Guide, we solve that problem. For example, let’s say your buddies just ordered a couple of Meat Lover’s pies from your local pizzeria. Naturally. But lo and behold, the apartment is all out of brews. What do you buy to complement all that meat? The guide says that a smoked beer will further enhance your enjoyment of literally all the meats. A dark, smoky beer is your best bet here.
Now let’s go 180 degrees in the other direction: margherita. No meat at all. Classic. Simple. Legendary. In that case, the guide recommends reaching for an unfiltered lager, which will boost the texture of the charred crust and allow the sweetness of the sauce to shine. Make it Italian made for an even more authentic feel.
The guide hits all the classics. Pepperoni? Try a brown ale. Meatball? An India Pale Ale will add notes of pine and big fruity flavors. And what about the not-so-classics? It covers those too. Pour yourself a crisp golden ale to accentuate the pineapple and Canadian bacon on your Hawaiian pie. Or choose an IPA with mild fruitiness before chowing down on that buffalo chicken.
No matter which pizza you love most, now you have a go-to guide for the booze you should be pairing with it.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.
Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.
Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.
Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Symptom: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
Fault: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.
Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.
Symptom: Don’t remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?