One Liners

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Oct 112017
 
One Liners

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Lewis Grizzard

“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, just drop them off at the wrong house.” – Jeff Foxworthy

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.” – Dave Barry

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” – Bob Ettinger

“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'” – Paula Poundstone

“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.” – Roseanne

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”- Richard Jeni

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” -Johnny Carson

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”- Paul Rodriguez

“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.” – Mae West

“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress … But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” – A. Whitney Brown

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Roseanne

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My Goodness, you’re right I never would’ve thought of that!'” – Dave Barry

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey

 
 

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Philosophers Of The Century

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Sep 062017
 

Philosophers Of The Century

Philosophers Of The Century

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Warren Tantum (School photo album)

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Old Italian proverb

 
 

Aug 272017
 

Did you know that The University Of California, Berkeley and Berkeley College (Yale University) are named after a devout Christian and slave owner?

UC Berkeley And Berkeley College (Yale University) Are Named After A Slave Owner

All across the country, centuries-old names that adorn statues, buildings and streets are under siege.

Once widely honored in a different era, men whose names are etched on statues and college campuses have become symbols of hate. Mind numbed people inspired in part by, The Alt-Left Media, corrupt politicians and the Black Lives Matter movement, are calling for the removal of these symbols honoring people connected to slavery, colonialism and the Confederacy.

Maybe these same people, who are so open-minded their brains are falling out, should demand that these two institutions along with Berkeley California be renamed.

Berkeley College (Yale University)

Berkeley College is a residential college at Yale University, opened in 1934. The eighth of Yale’s 12 residential colleges, it was named in honor of George Berkeley (1685–1753), dean of Derry and later bishop of Cloyne, in recognition of the assistance in land and books that he gave to Yale in the 18th century.

University of California, Berkeley

The University of California, Berkeley, (also referred to as UC Berkeley, Berkeley, Cal, Cal Berkeley, and California) is a public research university located in Berkeley, California. Founded in 1868, Berkeley is the oldest of the ten research universities affiliated with the University of California system and is ranked as one of the world’s leading research universities and the top public university in the United States. In 1869 Frederick H. Billings was a trustee of the College of California and suggested that the college be named in honor of the Anglo-Irish philosopher George Berkeley.

From Yale, Slavery & Abolition:

Bishop George Berkeley bought 3-5 slaves during his brief stay in the New World between 1728 and 1731, to work on his Rhode Island plantation, Whitehall. When Berkeley returned to Europe in 1731, he donated the plantation to Yale.

Yale turned payments from the plantation into its first set of scholarships. At this time, the plantation likely continued being worked by slaves. Charles Handy leased Whitehall farm from Yale, and sent Yale payments that would fund scholarships. The Rhode Island census, in 1774, shows that the household of Charles Handy included: “Blacks: 4”.

It is likely that these four black people included in Handy’s household were slaves. In his study of slavery in the 1774 Rhode Island census, Louis Masur explains:

Data derived from a census conducted by Rhode Island’s General Assembly permits us to answer with certainty such questions as who held slaves, how many they owned, and what patterns of slaveholding emerged within the colony … While we cannot ascertain the precise status of the blacks living in white households, corroborating evidence such as newspaper advertisements indicates that the vast majority of the black residents were held as slaves, apprentices, or in some other dependent relationship … If anything, the Census of 1774 underrepresented the extent to which blacks lived in some kind of bonded relationship to white families.

The density of slave owning white households in Newport county in 1774 was almost as high as the density of slave owning white households in the American South during the Civil War. It would be normal for someone farming a Newport plantation to use slaves to work the land.

Words etched into the floor of Berkeley College today explain:

After expenses, the income from the house and farm [Whitehall] was to support two students of the college chosen “without favor or affection” as the best at Latin and Greek after a public examination. The “Berkeley Premiums” as they came to be called, are still awarded in the Yale Classics Department.

George Berkeley had slaves working his plantation until he left in 1731. The profits earned by leasing the Whitehall plantation after 1732 funded Yale’s first scholarships. The person leasing the plantation around the time of the 1774 census included four black people as members of his household, and most black people so listed were slaves.

Assuming slaves worked the old Berkeley plantation, then Yale’s own land was worked by slaves, and Yale’s first scholarship was funded for up to 50 years with money earned from slave labor. It is for the gift of this plantation that his name is honored today with the name of “Berkeley college“.

Berkeley’s Slaves

After coming to the colonies, Berkeley bought a plantation in Newport, Rhode Island-the famous “Whitehall.” On October 4, 1730, Berkeley purchased “a Negro man named Philip aged Fourteen years or thereabout.” A few days later he purchased “a negro man named Edward aged twenty years or thereabouts.” On June 11, 1731, “Dean Berkeley baptized three of his negroes, ‘Philip, Anthony, and Agnes Berkeley'”.

Berekley’s sermons explained to the colonists why Christianity supported slavery, and hence slaves should become baptized Christians:

It would be of advantage to their [slave masters’] affairs to have slaves who should ‘obey in all things their masters according to the flesh, not with eye-service as men-pleasers, but in singleness of heart, as fearing God;’ that gospel liberty consists with temporal servitude; and that their slaves would only become better slaves by being Christian.

 
In truth, rewriting history is positively Orwellian, and a terribly dangerous path. History teaches us a lesson. You can’t change it. Nor should you. It does not end racism.

“The past was erased, the erasure was forgotten, the lie became the truth.” ~ George Orwell, 1984

 
 
 

PCisms (Politically Correct Terminology)

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Jul 062017
 

PCisms (Politically Correct Terminology)

aesthetically challenged – ugly

aquatically challenged – drowning

biologically challenged – dead

blubber lovers – whaler

bovine control officers – Dallas Cowboys

Caucasian culturally-disadvantaged – white trash

certified astrological consultant – crackpot

certified crystal therapist – crackpot

certified past-life regression hypnotist – crackpot

chemically challenged – drug addict

chronologically gifted – old

client of the correctional system – prisoner

codependent – finger-pointer

constructivist psychotherapy – psychobabble

creatively re-dyed – stained

cyclically challenged – having PMS

differently organized – messy

differently-brained – stupid

economically marginalized – poor

energy-efficient – off

environmentally correct human – dead

equal opportunity employee – bisexual hooker

erectionally challenged – impotent

facially challenged – ugly

factually unencumbered – ignorant

fecally plenary – full of crap

female gender biased – prefers women who shave their legs

financially inept – po’

folically independent – bald

genetically discriminating – racist

geological correction – earthquake

gerontologically advanced – old

grammatically challenged – one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spelling

gravitationally challenged – fat

horizontally challenged – thin

horizontally gifted – fat

in denial – unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened

in recovery – drunk/junkie

intellectually impaired – stupid

living impaired – dead

maintenance hole – man-hole

male gender biased – prefers men who shave their chests

mechanically challenged – broken down automobile

melanin-impoverished – white

metabolically challenged – dead

microslothically challenged – Windows user

monetarily challenged – poor

morally (ethically) challenged – a crook

morally handicapped – someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone

motivationally dispossessed – lazy

musically delayed – tone deaf

nasally gifted – runny nose

nasally gifted – large nose

nitpicklike – humor challenged

one who is PC – target practice

ontologically challenged – fictional or mythological

osmotically challenged – thirsty

outdoor urban dwellers – homeless

people of height – too tall

person of region – redneck

person of substance – fat

persons living with entropy – dead

persons of large stature – NY Giants

petroleum transfer technician – gas station attendent

photonically non-receptive – blind

residentially flexible – homeless

romantically challenged – not with somebody at the moment

rustically inclined – redneck

selectively perceptive – insane

sex care provider – prostitute

sexually focused chronologically gifted individual – dirty old man

socially challenged – geek or nerd

socially separated – convict

spacially perplexed – drunk

street activity index – crime rate

structurally challenged – broken

suffering from a sex addiction (female) – slut

suffering from a sex addiction (male) – stud

target equity group – vocal minority

uniquely coordinated – clumsy

uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path – loser

verbally challenged – mute, dumb

vertically challenged – short

visually challenged – blind

youth group – gang

 

Flashback: Hillary Clinton; “Some People Are Sore Losers”

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Jun 032017
 

Remember this?

“To say you won’t respect the results of the election — that is a direct threat to our Democracy. The peaceful transfer of power is one of the things that makes America, America. And look, some people are sore losers, and we just got to keep going.~ Hillary Clinton Charlotte, North Carolina October 23, 2016

Not accepting the results of the election is “a direct threat to our Democracy!” Because fixing the election against Bernie Sanders was an homage to Democracy, right?

And can somebody tell Hillary to read the Pledge of Allegiance. America is not a Democracy. America is a Republic.

 
 

Mar 042017
 
President Trump accuses Obama of overseeing ‘Nixon/Watergate’ style intervention

President Trump: Obama Wire Tapped Trump Tower
Donald Trump has accused Barack Obama of “wire tapping” his offices in New York City before the presidential election in November last year.

Launching a series of tweets at 5.35am eastern time on Saturday morning, the US president said: “Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my ‘wires tapped’ in Trump Tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!”

He followed up that initial tweet with a string of others in the following 30 minutes that claimed Obama had defied a court rejection to tap his office, and invited a “good lawyer” to make a case against the alleged process.




The president then compared the alleged surveillance of his communications to Watergate – the scandal in the early 1970s that brought down Republican president Richard Nixon after he ordered a break-in of the Democrats’ Washington headquarters.

Obama Nixon

Lock this Seditious Bastard up!

It now appears that Obama, Hillary Clinton, the FBI, the CIA, the DOJ, and the NSA were all a much greater threat to this past election than the Russians.

What this “scandal-free” Obama administration did before leaving… to try to set in place within our federal government, an apparatus to take down the incoming President & his administration, has the potential to be one of the greatest scandals in American History. This is NOT hyperbole. ~ Mark Levin

 

Feb 262017
 
Amber Lyon, a former CNN correspondent, says authoritarian regimes including Bahrain pay the news network to provide favorable coverage and censor its content.

 Journalist Amber Lyon Turned Whistleblower

Former CNN correspondent turned Whistleblower, Amber Lyon, exposes how the network is earning money from oppressive regimes in exchange for creating and airing content that casts a favorable light on the regimes. She also revealed CNN International refused to air CNN’s own award-winning documentary, ‘iRevolution’, a documentary exposing the Bahrain regime’s brutal crackdown on pro-democracy protesters.

Instead of watch-dogging governments around the world, CNN is earning money from them, producing what might as well be called ‘Infomercials for Dictators’, sponsored shows and content that cast a positive light on some of the world’s most oppressive regimes.

The news organization is defrauding unsuspecting viewers and its own journalists who often risk their lives to expose those same oppressive regimes.

The ‘Most Trusted Name in News’ must ultimately decide whether it’s in the business of government propaganda or journalism.

“Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed. Everything else is public relations.” ~ George Orwell

Back in March 2011, CNN sent a four person team to Bahrain to cover the Arab Spring. Once there, the crew was the subject of extreme intimidation amongst other things, but they were able to record some fantastic footage. As Glenn Greenwald of the UK’s Guardian writes in his blockbuster article from September 4th 2012:

“In the segment, Lyon interviewed activists as they explicitly described their torture at the hands of government forces, while family members recounted their relatives’ abrupt disappearances. She spoke with government officials justifying the imprisonment of activists. And the segment featured harrowing video footage of regime forces shooting unarmed demonstrators, along with the mass arrests of peaceful protesters. In sum, the early 2011 CNN segment on Bahrain presented one of the starkest reports to date of the brutal repression embraced by the US-backed regime.

Despite these accolades, and despite the dangers their own journalists and their sources endured to produce it, CNN International (CNNi) never broadcast the documentary. Even in the face of numerous inquiries and complaints from their own employees inside CNN, it continued to refuse to broadcast the program or even provide any explanation for the decision. To date, this documentary has never aired on CNNi.

Having just returned from Bahrain, Lyon says she “saw first-hand that these regime claims were lies, and I couldn’t believe CNN was making me put what I knew to be government lies into my reporting.” Here is a segment of the Bahrain report that Amber Lyon and her team put together. CNNi refused to allow it to air because the Bahrain Government had paid them not to show it.

Here is a segment of the Bahrain report that Amber Lyon and her team put together. CNNi refused to allow it to air because the Bahrain Government had paid them not to show it.

When Amber Lyon recognized the extent of the reasoning, she challenged CNN. CNN told her to be quiet, and began to view her as a risk. She knew, and found out, too much.

Amber is now trying to tell the story, the real story, of what is going on behind the closed doors of US Media entities. Amber has created her own website, and additionally as noted in the Guardian Article she is trying to share the truth of the deceptions.

What Amber Lyon describes is exactly the reason why CNN never aired the Nick Robertson interview with Muhammed Al Zawahiri in Egypt.

Source…