|There are FOUR states of matter.
Solid, liquid, gas and black lives.
|Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
|It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war. A private came charging into his Lieutenant’s office and said ” Lieutenant, we don’t have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?”
“I don’t have time to deal with this right now” the lieutenant thought.
He grabbed a broom, sawed off the bottom, and handed it to the solder. “Here use this instead.”
“How is this going to work?”
“When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say ‘Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang'”.
So the private ran out with his new “rifle”. But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying “Lieutenant, we don’t have enough bayonets!”
The Lieutenant grabbed a piece of string off of his desk and gave it the private. “When you see the bad guys coming just throw this at them and say ‘Stabity Stab Stab, Stab Stab.'”
So the private was all ready for his war. He was sitting in a fox hole, hating being out there, when he saw an enemy creeping along the top of a nearby hill.
He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guy and said “Bangity Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang” and he fell down dead.
“Wow this really works” thought the private. He started going through the underbrush when another enemy jumped out and try to gut him – he threw his string at him and said, ‘Stabbity Stab Stab!’. The enemy fell down, dead.
Pretty soon, he saw another guy rampaging through the woods. He pointed his broomstick at him and yelled, ‘Bangity Bang Bang!’ Nothing, so he did it again, ‘Bangity Bang Bang!’ The guy was stomping he’s feet. He threw the string, Stabbit Stab Stab!’ The enemy kept stomping towards him and plowed over him, stomping him into the ground.
Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he went past “Tankity Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank.”
Socks are only for bowling.
You never use an umbrella because the rain will be over in five minutes.
A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
Your winter coat is made of denim.
You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
You’re younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.
You’ve driven through Yeehaw Junction.
You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn’t worth waking up for.
You dread love bug season.
You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren’t Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley , Frances , Ivan, Jeanne, Wilma…Irene…Cheryl…Rita, Mary..Alison
You know what a snowbird is and when they’ll leave.
You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
‘Down South’ means Key West.
Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
You know the four seasons really are: Hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.
You’ve hosted a hurricane party.
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee , Thonotosassa and Micanopy.
You understand why it’s better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn’t swim.
You’ve worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.
You recognize Miami-Dade as ‘ Northern Cuba .’
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the dung was actually thawing her out. She lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug her out and ate her.
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, the politician was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.”
The shocked crowd murmered their disapproval of the miscreant among them.
“But,” the old priest continued, “as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” he told the crowd, still at sharp attention after the priest’s words. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession….”
The Moral: Never, ever be late when you’re on the program.
|One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?”, God replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”
“What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?”
“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.”, replies the heavenly voice.
“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”
“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.
“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”
The rest, as they say, is history.
|At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”
“I don’t know about that,” answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.
“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”
|A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
|Four Men are waiting outside the maternity ward.
The ward was extremely busy, so all the husbands were asked to wait in the waiting area. A short time later, the head nurse comes out, walks up to the first guy, and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s so weird!” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
The nurse comes back out a minute later and says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s odd,” replies the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
The nurse returns from the delivery room several minutes later and tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That makes sense,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong?!” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Lewis Grizzard
“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, just drop them off at the wrong house.” – Jeff Foxworthy
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.” – Dave Barry
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” – Bob Ettinger
“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'” – Paula Poundstone
“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.” – Roseanne
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”- Richard Jeni
“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” -Johnny Carson
“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”- Paul Rodriguez
“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.” – Mae West
“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress … But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” – A. Whitney Brown
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Roseanne
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My Goodness, you’re right I never would’ve thought of that!'” – Dave Barry
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey