|A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob”, where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young-looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: “I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said,” Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
She said, “Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.
|An old couple walk into MacDonald’s. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering.”That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine – they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says,”No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything,”
As the old man finishes and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks,”May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers….
|Two years ago, I applied for a job at a major company. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call… it was the vice president on the line!
“Listen, sir”, he told me, “you left me very impressed yesterday. But we’re still left with another candidate with very similar education and work background, impressive interview… it’s practically a tie between you two. So, the Board of Directors has decided to have you both come in to answer a ten question test about our company. Whoever gets the higher score will get the job”.
So the next morning I went to the his office. The other candidate was there – he looked really too smart. So we were told to sit down at two desks, side by side, and were given the test.
After we finished the test, the vice president calls me back into his office. “Listen… we’ve scored the tests. You both got nine out of ten, and both missed question #5. But unfortunately we’re going to have to pick the other guy.”
“What? Why?” I asked, shocked. “But we got the same question wrong!”
“Yes,” he answered, “but it had more to do with your answers to #5. The other candidate answered, ‘I don’t know’, and you answered ‘Neither do I’.”
|A journalist goes to Afghanistan for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:”One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!”
The journalist realized that he couldn’t publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.
The old man smiled again and started all over again: “Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village’s men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!”
The journalist couldn’t publish that story either and therefore asked: “Don’t you have a story that is less happy; something… umm … sadder?”
The old man’s smile faded. His eyes welled up….. In a sad, soft voice he began: “One day I got lost in the mountains…..”
|A waitress walks up to a man and says, “Hi, May I take your order please?”
The man replies, “Yes, can I get the turtle soup please.”
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, “Hold the turtle, make it pea!”