|I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
|A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. She said: “For being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
“Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband.”
The fairy waved her magic wand; and — poof! — two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband’s turn.
He thought for a minute and said: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I’m going with my mind and not my Heart. ”
“I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.” The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish.
So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and – Poof! — the husband became 92 years old.
The Moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful husbands should remember; Fairies are female.
|A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts.
Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells “Rocky!!”
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip.
The boy’s father is getting nervous. Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one. Feeling exasperated, the boy’s father yells:
Rocky! Get out of there fast! She’s gonna sh*t on you!
|There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. So the guy had to ask him. ‘Why ARE you so happy anyway?’
The guy with no arms replied, ‘I’m NOT happy … My balls itch!!’
|It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store’s opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I’m not opening the store!”