Dec 082017
 

How Politics Work

How Politics Work

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “No”.

I told him, “She is Bill Gates daughter”.

He said, “Yes”.

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son”.

Bill Gates said, “No”.

I told Bill Gates, “My son is the C.E.O. Of The World Bank”.

Bill Gates said, “Ok”.

I called the president of The World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O..

He said, “No”.

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates son-in-law”.

He said, “Ok”.

This is how politics work.

 

 

 

Dec 082017
 

You Know You’re From New York When…

You Know You’re From New York When

  • You’re 35 years old and don’t have a driver’s license.
  • You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.
  • You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
  • You know what a “regular” coffee is.
  • It’s not Manhattan…… It’s the “city”.
  • There is no north and south. It’s “uptown” or “downtown.” If you’re really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are…. And east or west is “crosstown.”
  • You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.
  • You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you’re from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.
  • You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a “real” pizza and a “real” bagel.
  • A 500 square foot apartment is large.
  • You know the differences between all the different Ray’s pizzas.
  • You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. Announcement on the subway.
  • You wouldn’t bother ordering pizza in any other city.
  • You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
  • You’re not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year’s eve.
  • Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.
  • Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
  • You don’t even notice the lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.
  • You pay “only” $230 a month to park your car.
  • The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.
  • You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
  • The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it’s a beer.

 
 
 

Dec 022017
 
Joke Of The Day: The Gas Men Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

 

 

 

Nov 302017
 
Joke Of The Day: Art Interpretation A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.

“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They’re just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

 

 

 

 

Nov 292017
 
Joke Of The Day: Free To A Good Home My neighbor bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to a good home. You want it, you take it.”

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

“Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it.