Jun 262017
 
Joke Of The Day: Buying A Car A retired older couple return to a BMW dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there.” “And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man… “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get him to lower the price… see you later, Dad.”

 

 

 

Jun 212017
 

Memo To A New PriestA new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

  1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say, “He was stoned off his ass”
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.”
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

 

Jun 212017
 
Joke Of The Day: The Weatherman There’s an old Native American man that sits in a teepee along the road I take to work.

Every morning for a while now I stop in and ask him what the weather will be that day. Rain, snow, sun, clouds. He’s always right.

Well yesterday I stopped in just like normal and asked what the weather was going to be like.

“Got no clue”, he said.

I was shocked. “What’s different about today that you don’t know?”

He just shook his head sadly. “Radio broke.”

 

 

 

Jun 202017
 
Joke Of The Day: Your Parrot Is Dead At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”.

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

“Yes, Senor Rod.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.”

SILENCE…

LONG SILENCE…

VERY LONG SILENCE.

“Ernesto… if you scratched that shotgun, you’re in deep sh*t.”

 

 

 

Jun 192017
 
Joke Of The Day: Three Tests A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”

“Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”

“Pay first. Those are the rules,” says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

“O.K.,” the bartender says. “Here’s what you need to do:

First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there’s a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You’ve got to make things right for her.”

The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!”

“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.”

As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, “Where’s zat tequila?”

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

“NOW,” he says, “Where’s the old woman with the sore tooth?”

 

 

 

Jun 182017
 
Joke Of The Day: London Beggars Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London …

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib asks Ali :- ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?’

Ali says, ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’?

Habib’s sign reads ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.

Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says… ‘So what does your sign say’?

Ali shows Habib his sign…. It reads, ‘I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan’.

 

 

 

Jun 152017
 
Joke Of The Day: Garage Door Opener My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, “I love my new garage door opener.”

“I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.