|My professor accused me of plagiarism.
His words, not mine.
|A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.
|We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
“Guts” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
“Balls,” is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the arse and having the balls to say, “You’re next, fatty!”
|A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy said, “Yes, she did.”
“Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you.”
|A woman with a baby walked into a doctor’s office. She asked if they could weigh the baby.
A nurse said that the baby scale was not working that day, but what they could do is weigh the mother while she was holding the baby, and then weigh the mother by herself, and subtract.
The woman thought about this for a minute. “It wouldn’t work,” she said, “I’m not the mother; I’m the aunt.”
|A hillbilly wants to become a journalist. So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree.
For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on “Happy Times.”
He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sitting on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly agrees to the interview.
The new journalist says “Tell me a story on happy times and the old man replies “One time my neighbor lost his sheep in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found it, we all took turns on it”.
The journalist was like I can’t write that, “Tell me another happy story”.
The old man replies again “One time my neighbor lost his daughter in the woods, so we gathered a search party and when we found her we all took turns on her”.
The journalist thought this story was worse and decided to use some reverse psychology and says “Tell me a story on sad times”.
The old man looks down real sad and says “I got lost once”.
|A woman marries a man and has 10 children.
The man dies, so the woman remarried and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarried again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarried and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, “Good god! They’re finally together!”
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs…”