The Older I Get

The older I get, the more this comes true! When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

The older I get, the more this comes true!

  • When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
  • To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
  • Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
  • It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
  • I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
  • I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
  • Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
  • If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
  • When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
  • I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
  • I run like the winded.
  • I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
  • When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
  • When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
  • I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
  • When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
  • Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
  • Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
  • My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.



Tales from the Aisle: A Dog’s Hardware Adventures

In 'Tales from the Aisle,' A Dog's Hardware Adventures unfold – a heartwarming journey of a dog's rebellion, love, and unexpected humor.

Ever since I was a little boy, I dreamed of having a dog of my own. I loved dogs of all shapes and sizes, but I had a soft spot for chocolate labs. They were so adorable, with their brown fur, floppy ears, and sweet eyes. I imagined playing fetch with them, cuddling with them, and taking them for walks.

But my parents never let me have a dog. They said they were too much work, too expensive, and too messy. They said I had to wait until I was older and had my own place. So I waited, and waited, and waited.

Finally, when I was 25, I moved out of my parents’ house and bought a small house. It wasn’t much, but it was mine. And I could have all the pets I ever wanted. I was so excited. I started looking for chocolate lab puppies online, hoping to find one that needed a home.

I was lucky. I found an ad for a litter of chocolate lab puppies that were born on a farm nearby. The owner said they were healthy, vaccinated, and ready to go. He said he had one male left, and he was the cutest of the bunch. He sent me a picture, and I fell in love.

I drove to the farm the next day, eager to meet my new best friend. The owner greeted me and led me to a barn, where the puppies were playing. They were all adorable, but one stood out. He was the smallest but the most energetic. He ran up to me, licked my face, and wagged his tail. He looked at me with his big brown eyes, and I knew he was the one.

I picked him up and hugged him. He snuggled into my arms and made a happy sound. The owner smiled and said his name was Hershey because he looked like a candy bar. I thought it was a perfect name. I paid the owner, thanked him, and took Hershey to my car. He sat on my lap and looked out the window, curious about the world.

Hershey was a great dog. He was smart, loyal, and friendly. He learned how to sit, stay, fetch, and roll over in no time. He never barked at strangers, chewed on furniture, or ran away. He was always happy to see me, and he wagged his tail like crazy. He was my best friend, and I loved him more than anything.

There was only one problem. Hershey hated the hardware store.

I don’t know why, but every time I took him there, he would poop on the floor. And not just anywhere, but right in the middle of the main aisle. It was embarrassing, disgusting, and annoying. I had to apologize to the staff and clean up the mess, and I always walked out of there with my tail between my legs. Every single time.

I tried everything to stop him. I scolded him, praised him, bribed him, and ignored him. Nothing worked. He would poop on the floor as soon as we entered the store. He didn’t care about the other customers, the loud noises, or the weird smells. He just had to do his business.

It was a mystery to me. Hershey was fine everywhere else. He never pooped in the car, the park, the vet, or the pet store. He only did it at the hardware store. And always in the same spot.

One day, I decided to find out why. I took Hershey to the hardware store and waited for him to poop. As usual, he did it right away. As he was pooping, I looked around and noticed a plaque on the wall. It said:

“In memory of Bob Smith, who worked here for 25 years and hated every minute of it. Rest in peace, Bob.”

I was stunned. Could it be that Hershey was Bob’s reincarnation? Did he poop on the floor to express his resentment for his former job? Did he hate the hardware store as much as Bob did?

I decided to test my theory. I asked one of the staff members about Bob. He told me that Bob was an old man who worked as a cashier. He said Bob was always grumpy, rude, and lazy. He said Bob hated his job, his boss, his coworkers, and his customers. He said Bob died of a heart attack about a year ago, right in the middle of the main aisle.

I felt a chill. That was the exact spot where Hershey pooped. It was too much of a coincidence. Hershey had to be Bob’s reincarnation. He pooped on the floor to get back at his old boss, his old coworkers, and his old life. He was a rebel, a prankster, and a genius.

I decided to respect his wishes. I never took him to the hardware store again. I let him poop wherever he wanted, as long as it wasn’t in my house. I loved him for who he was, not who he used to be.

Hershey was a great dog. He was smart, loyal, and friendly. And he had a tremendous sense of humor.



If The Government Can Do It

I went to the bank yesterday to withdraw $10,000.00. The bank teller said to me that I can’t withdraw that much money.

I asked why not.

The teller said that I only have $937 in my account.

I asked what does that matter.

The teller said you can’t withdraw $10,000.00 if you only have $937 in your account.

I said I don’t understand because the government is $34,000,000,000,000.00 in Debt, and it can still take out billions of dollars and give it to other countries even though the government doesn’t have the money.

The bank teller stated that the government can just print more money.

I said ok and left.

I went home and printed this and went back to the bank and gave them this bill and said I wanted all $100’s and two $50’s.

If the government can do it, so can I.

I went home and printed this and went back to the bank and gave them this bill and said I wanted all $100's and two $50's. If the government can do it, so can I.



The Dog Did It: The Tale of Oscar, the Sneaky Dog, and a Blind Date Gone Wrong

Join the hilarity as Oscar, the stealthy dog, turns a blind date into a comedy of errors in 'The Dog Did It.' Uncover the tale of a sneaky canine and a date gone wrong!

Well, let me tell you about my dog, Oscar. Now, Oscar is a character—a real sneaky fella. You can’t hear him coming, I swear he’s got ninja training or something. He’s like a furry ghost, especially when it comes to snatching things he shouldn’t.

One fine evening, I had this blind date coming over. A real catch, mind you. But there’s a catch to the catch: she’s blind as a bat. Now, Oscar, being the opportunistic canine he is, decided this was the perfect time for a little adventure.

It all started innocently enough. The Christmas turkey was long gone, but the stuffing—oh, that golden stuffing—was still around. Oscar, with his stealth mode engaged, tiptoed his way to the kitchen. If he could have whistled, he would’ve, but that’s not in a dog’s repertoire.

He managed to swipe the entire Tupperware of stuffing without making a peep. I swear, I turned my back for a second, and it was gone. Poof! Vanished into thin air.

Now, here’s the kicker: Oscar, in his quest for gastronomic delight, devoured the whole thing. Every last morsel. Little did I know that he was turning into a walking gas chamber.

Back to the blind date—let’s call her Rita. So, Rita comes over, and we’re having a jolly good time. I’m making my best impression, cracking jokes, and trying not to spill anything on myself. Meanwhile, Oscar is lying low, plotting his next move.

The moment of truth arrives when Rita says she’s getting a bit warm. Innocently, I blame it on the heating, but the real heat was coming from Oscar’s back end. Silent but deadly—you know the drill.

The smell hits us like a freight train, and I’m trying to keep a straight face. Rita, being blind and all, looks at me like I’ve sprouted a second head. I, being the gentleman I am, took the fall for the ungodly stench.

I explain with a straight face that it’s just my quirky sense of humor. But Rita isn’t buying it. She insists that I must be joking and that there’s no way a person could produce such an odor. I’m desperately trying to convince her it’s the dog, but she’s having none of it.

Oscar, in the corner, looks at me with those guilty eyes. But Rita, being blind to his shenanigans, thinks I’m making up stories. In the end, I apologize, open a window, and try to salvage what’s left of the evening.

Lesson learned: never underestimate the stealth capabilities of a dog with a taste for Christmas stuffing. And if you ever find yourself in a similar predicament, well, good luck explaining it to someone who can’t see the evidence right under their nose—or, in this case, their nostrils.



Load More