Proof found that pigs really can fly!
I videoed these cute piglets to share with my family on a visit to Cotswold Farm Park – I got my phone out at just the right moment!
1. I started out with nothing … I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
10. Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
11. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
13. It’s not the pace of life that concerns me; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
14. It’s hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven’t been anywhere.
15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
16. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If the tables were turned…
Credit: JP Sears
Understanding Media Spin
We all know it exists. The newsreaders, commentators and pundits all attempt to persuade others to accept their own point of view on events. This is what has become known as “media spin”. Some are obvious in their efforts, some are quite subtle. The knowledgeable listener is ever alert to this spinning so below is offered a humble guide to help you in your watchfulness.
“according to industry experts” “industry leaders acknowledge” — displaced former executives
“it’s widely thought” “it’s common knowledge” — constant repetition in the media has folks thinking it is the truth
“experts generally agree that” — some previously unknown college professors
“according to official sources” — two gals from the secretarial pool
“some in Congress say” — a couple of volunteer campaign workers
“internationally it is agreed that” — two East African diplomats told me
“you may not believe this but” — I don’t believe it but, I want you to
“it is believed that” — I think
“it is generally believed that” — a couple of others think so, too
“a new idea going around suggests that” — this is our latest disinformation scam
“it’s being said that” “people are saying” — we planted the seed and now it is spreading
“one observer has said” — a self-absorbed elitist said
“pundits claim” — two self-absorbed elitists said
“insiders say” — a disgruntled employee told me
“business gurus are telling us that” — overheard on the golf course
“according to The New York Times“ — the only paper biased enough to run the story
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling ****.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.