gags

Oct 232017
 

Harvey Weinstein “finishes treatment for sex addiction” in just one week. It’s a miracle!

Harvey Weinstein Finishes Treatment For Sex Addiction In Just One Week

Castration?

Intensive therapy would have to equal castration. One week????

Harvey Weinstein has reportedly finished treatment after entering rehab for a sex addiction.

In just seven days, the movie mogul is said to have finished treatment for an alleged sex addiction after having been accused of dozens of counts of sexual harassment dating back three decades.

He reportedly finished the course with his psychologist claiming he had been ‘fully invested in the programme’. Despite reports the 65-year-old apparently displayed anger issues and fell asleep during group sessions from fellow patients, doctors have said he ‘took it seriously’ while he underwent ‘intensive therapy.’

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Oct 232017
 

Experts from different fields were asked the question: “What is 2+2?”

Experts from different fields were asked the question: "What is 2+2?"

Engineer: Between 3.9 and 4.1, but let’s make it 5 just to be safe.

Physicist: 10.

Mathematician: I don’t know, but I can prove it converges.

Chemist: Realistic yield is less than 0.5.

Logician: 2+2

Philosopher: The real question is why is 2+2?

Also Philosopher: That will be 4.00. Would you like fries with that?

Statistician: Between 3.998 and 4.005, but only 99.7% of the time. In North America.

Biologist: 2+2+2+2+2+2, but realistically few will survive the predatory 7 (which ate 9).

Psychologist: Why do you think you are so fixated on asking so many different people?

Environmental Scientist: [This joke has been defunded]

Programmer: “error: dereferencing pointer to incomplete type”

Sysadmin: oh sweet fancy moses what happened now

Stockbroker: If it ever goes above 10, we’ll be rich!

Confused Undergrad: Low Batt.

Geologist: [This joke is currently too drunk to function]

Politician: If you vote for me, I promise to change 2+2 to equal lower taxes!

Astronomer: According to the latest Hubble data, 4E0. But it may have several moons.

Astrologer: You will meet a tall handsome stranger who will tell you the answer.

Hipster: it’s a really obscure number. You probably never heard of it.

Upper Management: Doesn’t matter, we aren’t going over 1. Let’s try to keep it under 0.5.

Nutritionist: You shouldn’t be putting those problems into your body.

Doctor: (consults your chart) Between 3.5 and 4.5 is healthy, but if it ever drops below 3.5, you should come in for more tests. Also, try to eat more vegetables.

Cable News Anchor: What is 2+2? let’s debate it with our panel of shrieking experts.

Accountant: (shuts and locks door, draws curtains, sits down next to you) (whispering) …what do you want it to be?

 
 

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Oct 232017
 
Joke Of The Day: Ping Pong Balls Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors’ love.

She summoned all three suitors to the grand hall and announced – “whoever brings me the most ping pong balls shall have my hand in marriage – this is my test of love!” Each suitor goes off to meet the challenge.

The first suitor comes back a few weeks later with loads and loads of horse drawn carriages filled with ping pong balls. The convoy stretches as far as the eye can see. All together they amount to 1 million ping pong balls and the princess is impressed.

The second suitor realizes he has to up his game and hires a fleet of ships to gather deliver the ping pong balls. A few months later ships upon ships line the harbor in front of the princess’ castle, and the princess swoons at the sight of 100 million ping pong balls being offered to her.

The third and final suitor then shows up a year later. He’s all bloodied and beaten up, horrible scars across his arms. In his left hand he clutches a big brown heavy sack. The princess confronts him, clearly unimpressed and says “what are you doing!? Clearly this can’t beat the 100 million ping pong balls I had from my second suitor! Stop wasting my time!”

Confused, the third suitor says to the princess as she turns to leave “but my princess, I thought you said KING KONG balls!!”

 

 

 

Oct 222017
 
Joke Of The Day: The Blarney Stone A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”

“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”

“Well now,” the guide replied, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”

“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.

“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”