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- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
- I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will remind me with, “Your password is incorrect.”
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- I’m great at multi- tasking- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
- Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
- Take my advice I’m not using it.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
- I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
- Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
- Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
- Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more- talented fool.
- I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test- the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
- There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
- Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
- Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do- it- yourself type.
- I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
- The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
- I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
- I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
- If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
- Money is the root of all wealth.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
