The Homily

 Funny, Jokes  Comments Off on The Homily
Feb 282013
 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples,not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated,not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub,yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St Taffy’s.
 

Random Riddle: 2-28-2013

 Riddles  Comments Off on Random Riddle: 2-28-2013
Feb 282013
 

Appearance

Hold your mouse over for the answer.

I’m pleasing to the eye A tool for many absent of mind A tapestry of fickle lies Blind to even the most pensive spies I’m often the breeder of fervent lust But I am by far one you shouldn’t trust.

What am I?

 

 

Random Riddle: 2-27-2013

 Riddles  Comments Off on Random Riddle: 2-27-2013
Feb 272013
 

Pull out the plug in the bath

Hold your mouse over for the answer.

You’re in a magical bathroom with no windows and the only way things can get in and out is by an open door. You decide to have a bath so you turn on the tap, you shut the door and the handle breaks so you can’t open it, you then turn off the tap and the knob breaks so water keeps coming. How do you save yourself from drowning?

 

 

Sarah Palin Tells D.C. To Cut the Drama. Do Your Job.

 Political  Comments Off on Sarah Palin Tells D.C. To Cut the Drama. Do Your Job.
Feb 262013
 

Truer words were never spoken.

D.C.: Cut the Drama. Do Your Job.

Americans are sick and tired of yet another ginned-up crisis. D.C. needs to grow up, get to work, and live within its means. The real economic Armageddon looming before us is our runaway debt, not the sequester, which the President advocated for and signed into law and is now running around denouncing because he never had any genuine intention of reining in his reckless spending.

Remember that this sequestration deal came about because of the long debt ceiling standoff in the summer of 2011. It wasn’t the ideal outcome for anyone, but it did at least include real deficit reduction of about $110 billion per year for 10 years, which is still nowhere near enough to close our massive deficit. Keep in mind that since the sequester passed, the President has already hit American families and small business owners with his tax increases, or “more revenue” as he likes to call it. The American public doesn’t want tax increases; we want government to rein in its overspending.

If we can’t stomach modest cuts that would lower federal spending by a mere 0.3% per year out of a current federal budget of $3.6 trillion, then we might as well signal to the whole world that we have no serious intention of dealing with our debt problem.

If we are going to wet our proverbial pants over 0.3% in annual spending cuts when we’re running up trillion dollar annual deficits, then we’re done. Put a fork in us. We’re finished. We’re going to default eventually and that’s why the feds are stockpiling bullets in case of civil unrest.

If we ARE serious about putting our fiscal house in order, then let’s stop the hysterics, tighten our belts, and take our medicine.

– Sarah Palin

Source…