Jun 112012

You might be a Liberal if:

You think IQ tests should be used to stop the death penalty, but not to determine admission to AP classes.

You think the Ten Commandments in schools will hurt the children, but “Heather Has Two Mommies” won’t.

You think African-American, Gay-Lesbian-Transgendered and Women’s Studies prepare young people for good careers, but a biology major is an outdated relic of white, misogynist domination.

You think math tests are racist, but there is nothing racist about blacks being admitted over more qualified white applicants.

You think spending 4 years – make that 5 years – repeating your professor’s liberal slogans is a solid education, but demanding that colleges present all view-points and actually teach the subject is “anti-intellectualism.”

You think McCarthyism was wrong, but black-listing “right-wingers” from ever teaching in college is just plain old common sense. A right-winger is anyone who doesn’t toe the line on all issues.

You think education is about “feeling,” not knowing. Logic is the product of white male supremacy in our culture.

You vehemently hate some people not because of who they are or what they say, but because of their political beliefs.

You think meat is bad for you. So is milk. But marijuana gets you ready for your finals.

You think AIDS is caused by poverty. So is crime. And membership in the Republican party.

You march to raise awareness about breast cancer, but believe it’s caused by sexism and infant mortality is caused by racism.

You want to outlaw cigarettes and legalize marijuana.

You think that mobs of black people attacking, assaulting, and killing white people aren’t committing racist hate crimes, because only white people are racist.

You think global cooling for 10 years proves that there is global warming.

You fly on private jets, but feel free to tell others to use only one square of toilet paper to save the environment.

You think that using less toilet paper will be good for the air.

You think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon. You also think you must prevent pharmaceutical companies from making a profit.

You think people should be allowed to euthanize themselves, but not to eat in McDonald’s.

You think career welfare recipients are fat because they can’t afford food.

You preach to everyone that diversity is our greatest strength, but you paid half a million dollars more for a house in an all-white suburb than you could’ve for the same house in a black neighborhood.

You see racist code-words in all media except in hip-hop singles such as “Kill The White People”.

You wonder out loud, “Why can’t we all just get along?”

You oppose all racial prejudice, but think all whites are racist, consciously or not.

You think IQ tests are completely invalid and there are no differences between people, except when an anonymous blogger posts that all the Red States have a borderline retarded IQ and all the Blue states are made up exclusively of intellectually gifted people. Then you feel the need to send the blog post to everyone you know as conclusive proof that voting for Democrats makes you smart.

You greet a black person with, “Yo Bro!”

You think Indians created the United States and Europe became great as a result of Islamic influences. On second thought, Europe isn’t great.

You can’t believe you were so racist as to say that there’s something great about Europe except their Social Democrat parties.

You think Black dominance in basketball is progress, but white dominance in swimming is an outrage.

You think illegal Mexicans are real Americans, and that the descendants of our Founding Fathers aren’t.

You think racial profiling is wrong, and that all serial killers are white and all Mexicans are hard-working family men.

You think the U.S. wants to build a wall on the Mexican and not Canadian border because of racism, not because 20 million Mexicans and almost no Canadians cross into the U.S. illegally.

You think there is no correlation between Islamic immigration to Europe and increased anti-Semitic attacks against European Jews.

You think prostitution empowers women, but having a man open the door for you is degrading.

You get out of bed, look at your naked body and at your wife’s, and then think: “gender is a social construct that has no basis in science”.

On second thought, you got married in Vermont and your wife’s name is Thomas.

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