Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for “new scientific theories.”
4th Runner-Up– The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
3rd Runner-Up– Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use “acronyms”; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
2nd Runner-Up- The ‘Why Yawning Is Contagious’ Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
1st Runner-Up- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.
HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah”, the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in”erl wells.”
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A “buttered-cat array” could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and “giant buttered-cat arrays” could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.
A few years ago Haynes, a once respected creator of detailed technical handbooks for cars and other vehicles, published an owner’s workshop manual for Apollo 11 and other 1969-era Apollo mission spacecraft. It made for a humorous gift for spacecraft enthusiasts, but also provided a unique glimpse into the technical aspects of the vehicles, for those who were engineering inclined.
However, they’re now releasing a manual for modified YT-1300 Corellian Freighters, the most famous of which being the Millennium Falcon from the Star Wars films. Now I know it’s not the first fictional vehicle they’ve created a manual for. That would probably be the USS Enterprise from that other ‘Star’ franchise. But I just hope they don’t get too carried away with this trend, and sully their well respected name. This particular workshop manual was written by Ryder Windham who already has some 50 Star Wars books under his belt, so I guess if anyone knows what they’re talking when it comes to fictional engineering, it’s him. And while it’s not available for sale just yet, Amazon Canada does have it listed for a little over $23.
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She has a nice little cabin with a bathroom, but no window.
Sally has no compass nor other instruments. Just the
general luggage one brings on board a long cruise. Yet, without
leaving her room or talking with anyone, Sally will be able to
tell when the ship has crossed the equator.
Funny Ameriquest Commercials.
Dear Fellow Patriots, No marketing firm could have started this incredible spontaneous Tea Party Movement. It is totally driven by love, passion and concern of the America people.
You came by the tens of thousands to tea parties. Your message was loud and clear, ENOUGH!…STOP the hijacking of our Freedom, Liberty and Culture!
In my Tea Party unity song, WE THE PEOPLE, I humbly try to be your voice. I thought, what if every patriot joined and sang together. What would it sound like and what would we say? Brothers and sisters, from my heart to yours, I give you, WE THE PEOPLE.
God Bless, Lloyd
Read Lloyd’s columns on American Thinker, Renew America, and http://www.lloydmarcus.com/?cat=5
“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker
1. If a previous president would have increased the deficit by double the amount of his predecessor’s eight year tenure in only his first 30 months, would you have considered him an oniomaniac?
2. If a previous president had then proposed to double the current debt within 10 years, would you have approved?
3. If a previous president would have spent nearly a trillion dollars in stimulus and guaranteed unemployment would not exceed 8%, would you have called him a liar?
4. If a previous president would have played golf for thirteen weekends in a row leaving it up to congressional leaders to deal with the greatest financial crisis since the great depression, would you have considered him disengaged and out of touch?
5. If a previous president had criticized a state law that he admitted to never even reading, would you have thought him an ignoramus?
6. If a previous president had passed an unconstitutional law that would have comprised of nearly 1/6th of the country’s entire GDP, forced Americans to purchase a private product (in violation of the commerce clause), fined them if they didn’t, hired 16,000 new IRS agents to enforce it, and exempted 1500 organizations from having to abide by that new law, would you have thought him a mafia boss?
7. If a previous president joined the country of Mexico and sued a state in America to force that state to continue to allow illegal immigration, would you have questioned his patriotism and priorities and wonder who his allegiance was to?
8. If a previous president had pronounced Navy Corpsman like you pronounce a dead corpse, would you have thought he was stupid?
9. If a previous president had put 87,000 people out of work by arbitrarily placing a moratorium on offshore oil drilling on companies that have one of the best safety records because one foreign company had an accident, would you have agreed?
10. If a previous president had used a forged document as the basis of the moratorium that would render 87,000 American workers unemployed would you have supported him?
11. If a previous president had been the first president to need a teleprompter to get through a press conference, would you have thought this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and that he’s really controlled by smarter people behind the scenes?
12. If a previous president had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take his wife to a play in NYC, would you have approved?
13. If a previous president had reduced your retirement plan holdings of GM stock by 90%, given the unions a majority stake in the car maker and shut down 789 perfectly profitable Chrysler dealerships because they were were owned by registered republicans, would you have approved?
14. If a previous president had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?
15. If a previous president had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs when Gordon Brown gave him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?
16. If a previous president had given the Queen of England an iPod containing audios of his speeches, would you have thought it a proud moment for America, or that a narcissist occupied the White House?
17. If a previous president had bowed to Kings of third world countries while on an apologetic tour, would you have approved?
18. If a previous president had visited Austria and made reference to the nonexistent “Austrian language,” would you have thought it a minor slip?
19. If a previous president had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who don’t pay their own income taxes, would you have approved?
20. If a previous president had said there were 57 states in the United States, wouldn’t you have been shocked?
21. If a previous president would have flown all the way to Denmark to make a five minute speech about how the Olympics would benefit him walking out of his front door in his home town, would you not have thought him a conceited, egomaniac?
22. If a previous president had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to “Cinco de Cuatro” in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the fourth of May (Cuatro de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have not been embarrassed?
23. If a previous president had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on “Earth Day,” would you have concluded he’s a hypocrite?
24. If a previous president’s administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan that caused widespread panic, would you have thought him insensitive and clueless about what actually happened on 9/11?
25. If a previous president had created the position of 45 Czars who reported directly to him, bypassing the House and Senate and usurping the Constitution, would you have approved?
26. If a previous president had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?
27. If a previous president had spent nearly $2 million dollars hiding his identity all the way back to his childhood, would you have been suspicious?
28. If a previous president had been raised a Muslim, spent more time living abroad in Islamic countries than he did in the United States, hung out with terrorists, and attended a hate church for 20 years, would you have not thought him brainwashed?
29. If a previous president had received a Nobel Peace Prize for nothing more than out campaigning his competitors, would you have thought him the laughing stock of recipients?
30. If a previous president had ordered a botched illegal gun running operation that resulted in American arms winding up in the hands of foreign drug cartels who in turn murdered Americans, would he not have had blood on his hands and been ordered to resign?
31. If a previous president had released a fraudulent long form birth certificate and was factually proven ineligible to even be the president whether he was born on American soil or not (father had dual citizenship Kenya/Britain) would you have not demanded impeachment?
In summary, when you ask Obama to “Barack Your World,” refer to this list and try not to hurl.