Worlds Strongest Redneck rides a Lawn Chopper.
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house they will find a way to get in
A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Snoopy underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh;” it’s already too late.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR’s do not eject sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
“No!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?”
Again the answer was “No!”
“Well”, she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”
In a newly released study, a group that monitors Congress has Found that many members of the US house have handed out big taxpayer Funded bonuses to their staffs, about 25 million dollars…
Pretty decent video contrasting what the media says about Sarah Palin, compared to Obama’s actual gaffes.
No 57 states here, oddly.
A couple of these are pretty ticky-tack, but that’s okay, I guess. What’s less okay is the insistence by this video that Obama says “All Timers” when, having heard it three times myself, he clearly correctly says “Alzheimer’s.” Coming right at the beginning of this documentation of the Human Highlight Reel, that’s going to cause a lot of people to stop watching.
But they shouldn’t. Apart from that one and some ticky-tack cases of being tongue-tied, this video does demonstrate that Even A God Can Say Dumb Shit.
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah,” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”