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Hon. James David Manning, PhD says the Birthers are doing a great job because Oprah Winfrey is back campaigning for Barack Hussein “Long Legged Mack Daddy” Obama.
All Politicians need a reality check and a Boot in the ass!
Our gross national debt is $14.1 trillion, and we are in a spending-driven debt crisis. Democrats need a reality check.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said. ” I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for the week, and when I return, I expect it to be finished.”
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to see the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” Screamed the billionaire.
“Why, that’s exactly what you asked for.” Said the artist smugly.
“No I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts.”
“And there you have it” Said the artist. “I call it holy cow, look at all those f***ing Indians.”
The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2011, the penis will now be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $300.00
8 – 10″ Pole Tax $250.00
5 – 8″ Privilege Tax $150.00
3 – 5″ Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
I’m gonna have nightmares after reading the article. Well I didn’t plan on sleeping tonight anyway!
A MAN was found dead in his apartment draped in spider webs and more than 200 spiders, several snakes, thousands of termites, and a gecko were feasting on his corpse.
Mark Voegel, 30, was found dead in Dortmund, Germany.
Authorities were alerted when concerned neighbours noticed a horrendous stench emanating from the apartment.
His black widow, Bettina, is believed to have administered the deadly bite.
Voeger’s apartment has been described as both a “zoo” and a “jungle” by authorities. He never let people visit.
A police spokesman said, according to the Sun: “It was like a horror movie. His corpse was over the sofa. Giant webs draped him, spiders were all over him.
They were coming out of his nose and his mouth. There was everything there one could imagine in the world of reptiles. Larger pieces of flesh torn off by the lizards were scooped up and taken back to the webs of tarantulas and other bird-eating spiders.”
The spiders and termites managed to escape when the heating elements exploded and opened the lids to their tanks.
The lizards were allowed to roam.
Voegel also kept a pet boa constricter and several poisonous frogs.
He was dead for somewhere between seven and fourteen days when his corpse was found, enough time for the creepy-crawlies to make a new home out of his apartment.
Waving is an odd thing, if you think about it. It’s like, Hello, look, here is my hand. I’m moving it all around because we can see each other! Most people don’t wave that often, but President Obama does it all the time, whether for a crowd or a camera. Not because he necessarily wants to, but because it’s expected of him. The president is supposed to be a friendly and folksy character, and waving as if he gives a shit helps to foster such an image. Usually, Obama pulls it off just fine, with a big happy grin. But sometimes, he just can’t fake it, and the look on his face reveals how grudgingly and unenthusiastically he is performing this charade for us.
“Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried; “My people’s favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”
“Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.”, replied the President.
“I do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?”
“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!”, said Bush.
“Oh, and one more small favour, please?”, said Putin.
“Yes?”, replied the President.
“Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” said Yeltsin.
“No problem,” replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. “I need a favour, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”
“Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.
“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”
“Easily done. Anything else?”
“Yeah,” said the President, “Print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.”
Reason.tv presents Citizens Against Government Waste’s Porker of the Month for February 2011:
Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY)!
Rep. Nadler is pushing full steam ahead on a $53 billion spending spree for High Speed Rail projects. This of course is after the 8 billion spent on High Speed Rail in the stimulus bill. Both barely begin to cover the estimated $500 billion dollars required for the plan, which many state governments have already rejected due to the massive cost.
Congratulations Rep. Nadler, you are Citizens Against Government Waste’s Porkers of the Month for February, 2011!