Joke Of The Day

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Feb 282010
 

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your Dad home?”

“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”

“Well, is your Mother here?”

“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”

“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘

The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

Question Of The Day

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Feb 282010
 

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you’re planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to anger him.

Joke Of The Day

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Feb 272010
 

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Word and Phrase Origins

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Feb 272010
 


Have you ever wondered where the phrase “You gotta be shittin’ me” came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country. Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, “General, I see lights ahead!”

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, “Madam, I’m General George Washington and these are my men. We’re tired, wet, exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort.”

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, “Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?”

Washington replied, “Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.”

And the Madam said, “You gotta be shittin me!”

Joke Of The Day

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Feb 262010
 

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”

The second one says: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.”

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!”

Headlines In The Year 2029

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Feb 252010
 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwest united states crop and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still closed off. Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered Nation.

Castro finally dies at the age of 112, Cuban cigars can now be imported legally. But Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal service raises prices of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

An 85 year $75.8 billion study: Diet is the key to weight lose.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every high school in the United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

The average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches.

New federal law requires all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets a tax rate of 75%.