Joke Of The Day

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Jan 312010

At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces, “Anyone with ‘needs’ to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar.”

Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, “Leroy how is your hearing now?”

Leroy says, “I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t ’til next Wednesday.”

Sarah Palin To Obama: Terrorist Trials In Civilian Courts Or Military Tribunals?

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Jan 302010

Sarah’s common sense versus Obama’s bull crap!

People are celebrating the fact that the Obama Administration is considering relocating the terrorists’ trial from New York to another American city. Yet there’s still no talk of moving the trial out of our U.S. civilian courts to where it should take place – a military tribunal.

Now the administration is backtracking in order to fix its initially blundered decision to try these dangerous terrorists in New York City despite the great danger and cost to New Yorkers. This scenario is all too common in Washington. The tactic is to propose something so outrageous that the public will rise up and demand common sense, and then the White House “concedes” and changes its initial decision to give the impression of newfound reasonability and moderation. But the problem still isn’t solved! The trial location debate becomes a diversion so that we’ll take our eyes off the ball. The point missed is that our President still wants to give these terrorists U.S. constitutional protections in our civilian courts, allowing them to lawyer-up on our dime.

This tactic is in the same vein as another Washington game: creating the appearance of a “crisis” in order to push for a radical solution. (“The health care crisis must be fixed by government now or we’re all gonna die! The earth’s temperature is fluctuating; government must fix this crisis now or we’re all gonna die! Private businesses made poor decisions and bureaucrats claim they’re too big to fail, so government must fix this crisis now or we’re all gonna die!”) Politicians and lobbyists announce that there is a “crisis,” and never letting a good crisis go to waste, they propose a radical solution to fix it. The public listens intently, and in a sincere desire to help, an alternative to the politicians’ radical solution gets put forward. The politicians then “concede” and mellow out their radical solution. The public’s attention has been diverted to tinkering on the periphery, all the while ignoring the real problem at the heart of the “crisis” that started the whole debate.

The fact is our government has a choice as to where to try the terrorists. We don’t have to try them in our civilian courts. The peripheral debate regarding in which city to try these evil, dangerous haters-of-America is a diversion. Let’s get back to the heart of the matter: what choice will our government make – terrorist trials in civilian courts or military tribunals?

– Sarah Palin


Joke Of The Day

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Jan 302010

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I’ve come for some courage.” “No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

George W. Bush steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.” “Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up steps Barack Obama, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.” “Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.” There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”

Bill looks at him and says, “Where the hell is Dorothy?”

Joke Of Te Day: Irish Coffee

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Jan 292010

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor

“Not a chance”, she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’.

It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”

“Feckin jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

Bob Hope Quotes

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Jan 282010

Bob Hope is one of the world’s most recognizable and beloved comedians. From his numerous radio and television shows to his shows with U.S. Troops around the world and much, much, more, Hope put a smile on the faces of all those in his presence. Read on to enjoy some laughs, courtesy of Bob Hope.

On Turning 70
“You still chase women, but only downhill”.

On Turning 80
“That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing…”

On Turning 90
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

On Turning 100
“I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon then it’s time for my nap.”

On giving up his early career, boxing
“I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.”

On never winning an Oscar
“Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.”

On golf
“Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

On Presidents
“I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.”

“I’ve always enjoyed playing golf with a President. The only problem is that there are so many Secret Service men around there’s not much chance to cheat.”

“Clinton had the best score, Ford the most errors, and Bush the most hits. Me, I cheated better than ever.”

On Gerald Ford: “I’ve gotten a lot of mileage from my Jerry Ford jokes. So it’s fun to introduce him at dinners with lines like “You all know Jerry Ford – one of my most prized possessions is the Purple Heart I received for all the golf I’ve played with him.”

On Eisenhower: “By the time that Ike was elected President in 1952, his devotion to golf had become legendary. No administration ever had more sun-tanned Secret Service men.”

On why he chose showbiz for his career
“When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham’.”

On receiving the Congressional Gold Medal
“I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”

On his family’s early poverty
“Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.”

On his six brothers
“That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.”

On his early failures
“I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.”

On going to heaven
“I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”