How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity And Drive Other People Insane

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Jul 312009
 

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.

3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”

6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car’s windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep ’em tuned up.

7. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”

8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

9. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”

10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

Obama’s Great Health Scare

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Jul 302009
 

In this great article, Karl Rove concludes that Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) is increasingly resorting to fear and misleading claims to gain support for ObamaCare. Maybe we should start calling it ObamaScare.


On the campaign trail last year, Barack Obama promised to end the “politics of fear and cynicism.” Yet he is now trying to sell his health-care proposals on fear.

At his news conference last week, he said “Reform is about every American who has ever feared that they may lose their coverage, or lose their job. . . . If we do not reform health care, your premiums and out-of-pocket costs will continue to skyrocket. If we do not act, 14,000 Americans will continue to lose their health insurance every single day. These are the consequences of inaction.”

A Fox News Poll from last week shows that 84% of Americans who have health insurance are happy with their coverage. And because 91% of all Americans have insurance, that means that 76% of all Americans will be concerned about anything that threatens their current coverage. By a 2-1 margin, according to the Fox Poll, Americans want coverage from a private provider rather than the government.

Facing numbers like these, Mr. Obama is dropping his high-minded rhetoric and instead trying to scare voters. During last week’s news conference, for example, he said that doctors routinely perform unnecessary tonsillectomies on children simply to fatten their wallets. All that was missing was the suggestion that the operations were conducted without anesthesia.

This is not a healthy way to wage a policy debate. It also risks making the president look desperate at a time when his proposals are looking increasingly too expensive for Americans to accept.

Last weekend, the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) demolished Mr. Obama’s claims that his plan cuts the growth of future health spending and won’t add to the deficit. Responding to a White House proposal to create an independent panel to recommend Medicare cuts, the CBO said on Saturday that “The probability is high that no savings would be realized” in the next decade, while entitlement spending would rise $1.042 trillion. The CBO did say there might be $2 billion in savings in the second decade of the program—a pittance.

White House Budget Director Peter Orszag shot back at the CBO with a blog posting on the White House’s Web site arguing, “the point of the proposal . . . was never to generate savings over the next decade.” Really? The White House rolled out the proposal hoping to give cover to Blue Dog Democrats in Congress barking about the cost of overhauling health care.

The House version of ObamaCare adds to the deficit even though the new taxes to pay for part of it begin two years before the program itself kicks in. That head start puts ObamaCare in the black through 2013. But net new spending after that overwhelms future revenue to add to the deficit each year.

Keith Hennessey, who was a National Economic Council director for George W. Bush, estimates the annual deficits in Mr. Obama’s plan will grow to $64 billion a year by 2019. And this assumes that Mr. Obama gets all the tax increases and Medicare cuts he wants.

On Sunday, the CBO released another torpedo at the burning hull of USS ObamaCare. Responding to an inquiry by Rep. David Camp (R., Mich.) about whether the House bill would run a deficit in its second decade, the CBO reported it would “probably generate substantial increases in federal budget deficits during the decade beyond the current 10-year budget window.” The CBO does not believe that Mr. Obama’s proposal “bends” health-care spending down, as the president has repeatedly claimed it would. The CBO says it escalates above today’s rate.

By 2029, Mr. Hennessey estimates that new taxes will bring in $143 billion a year, while net new health spending will have increased by $348 billion a year.

Damaging reports from the CBO had earlier provoked some Chicago-style intimidation, with the president summoning CBO Director Douglas Elmendorf to the Oval Office. It’s safe to assume that they didn’t talk about the Chicago White Sox. Imagine if Mr. Bush had done that after the CBO released numbers that undercut the centerpiece of his domestic agenda. “White House thuggery” and “intimidation” would have been the theme of nearly every editorial writer in the country.

Team Obama’s pressure, however, might have caused the CBO to release its latest missives on a weekend, when fewer people are paying attention to the news.

Mr. Obama’s problem is that nine out of 10 Americans would likely get worse health care if ObamaCare goes through. Of those who do not have insurance—and who therefore might be better off—approximately one-fifth are illegal aliens, nearly three-fifths make $50,000 or more a year and can afford insurance, and just under a third are probably eligible for Medicaid or other government programs already.

For the slice of the uninsured that is left—perhaps about 2% of all American citizens—Team Obama would dismantle the world’s greatest health-care system. That’s a losing proposition, which is why Mr. Obama is increasingly resorting to fear and misleading claims. It’s all the candidate of hope has left.

Source…


My Trip to Costco

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Jul 302009
 

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? On an impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Joke Of The Day: The Lost Cowboy

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Jul 302009
 

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst..

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. ‘Well, cowboy,’ says the genie.. ‘You know how I work….You have three wishes.’

I’m not falling for this,’ said the cowboy… ‘I’m not going trust a FEMA genie…’

What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!’

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.’

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish?’

My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.’

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!’

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says… ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.’

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there’s going to be a string attached.

A Letter To My Employees

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Jul 292009
 

Dear Employees,

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did.

I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the Annual Company Picnic.

Joke Of The Day: Gorilla Remover

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Jul 292009
 

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers.” he calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean huge dog.

“What are you going to do”, the homeowner asks?

I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Joke Of The Day

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Jul 282009
 

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. “May I see your identification, please?” asked the agent. “I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replied the guy. “Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,” said the agent. “But I can prove I’m an American!” he exclaimed. “I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other.” “This I gotta see,” replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. “By golly, you’re right!” exclaimed the agent. “Have a safe trip back to Chicago.” “Thanks!” he said. “But how did you know I was from Chicago?” The agent replied, “I recognized Obama in the middle.”

Generation Y

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Jul 282009
 

The Silent generation, people born before 1946.

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.

Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995

Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below…