Joke Of The Day: Can’t Lie to Mom!

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Dec 312008
 

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’

Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not Saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that One has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

Deadly Conventional Weapon of the Day: The ‘Bunker Buster’ Bomb

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Dec 312008
 


The ‘bunker buster’ bomb: The British military first conceived of steel-nosed bombs that dropped heavily and quickly enough to penetrate underground targets.

During the first Persian Gulf War, the U.S. military quickly rigged together similar weapons to attack Iraqi facilities, and then spent the next decade perfecting the concept.

Today’s bunker busters are usually laser-guided missiles, either rocket powered or artillery fired.

“Instead of hitting the top [of the target] and exploding like a regular bomb, it will literally punch a hole through and then explode inside,” explains Wright. “It’s a very lethal weapon.”


Here is a video of an AGM-130 “Bunker Buster Bomb” It was dropped by a USAF F-15…

God Bless America again!

Courtesy Fox News

Deadly Conventional Weapon of the Day: The AC-130 Aerial Gunship

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Dec 312008
 


The AC-130 aerial gunship: This comes in two forms, the AC-130H “Spectre” and the more heavily armed AC-130U “Spooky,” both flown by the U.S. Air Force. Versions of the AC-130 were first deployed during the Vietnam War.

It’s designed to hit targets on the ground or at sea, firing Gatling guns and howitzers fore, aft and to the side. The AC-130’s weakness is that it flies “low and slow,” making it vulnerable to surface-to-air or air-to-air missiles.

“It can do a lot of damage,” explains the Pentagon’s Lt. Col. Mark Wright. “It’s got a 75-millimeter cannon that can blow through buildings, vehicles. It’s designed for taking out protective cover. … The combination is very lethal — it’s a very feared weapons system.”


AC-130 Gunship – “Puff the Magic Dragon”

AC-130 Gunship takes out Taliban fighters and various terrorists at Afghanistan location while avoiding mosque.

God Bless America again!

Courtesy Fox News

Learning to Speak Mexican

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Dec 312008
 

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
Replies: Maria likes me, but Cheese fat.

2. Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I Shoulder.

4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ‘ Juarez your problem?’

9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing

12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment Nothing to me.

13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop

14. Body wash
I wan t to go to the club but no body wash my kids

The Gas Tax: Asshole Editorial of the Day

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Dec 282008
 

I’m sorry but articles like this piss me off.

Reason 1,000,000,001 why newspaper reader ship is declining. This idiot from The New York Times has a brilliant plan to burden taxpayers and businesses with a tax on gas to help support the big three auto companies in order to help them create a product that most people don’t want. Using this logic, couldn’t they solve obesity by taxing food to the point where most people would be forced to eat less?

The Gas Tax


President-elect Barack Obama and the Democrats in Congress seem to have a clear vision of the auto industry they think the country needs. It must be financially self-sufficient. It also must be capable of producing highly fuel-efficient, next-generation vehicles that can help the nation cope with climate change and finite supplies of oil.

Yet for all the conditions attached to it, the multibillion-dollar aid package for Detroit’s carmakers approved by the White House (with Mr. Obama’s support) fails to address one crucial question: Who will buy all the fuel-efficient cars that Detroit carmakers are supposed to make?

The danger is that too few will, especially if gasoline prices remain low. Therefore, it might be time for the president-elect and Congress to think seriously about imposing a gas tax or similar levy to keep gas prices up after the economy recovers from recession.

Americans did not buy enormous gas guzzlers just because Detroit marketed them relentlessly. They bought them because they wanted big cars — and because gas was cheap. If gas stays cheap, Americans would be less inclined to squeeze their families into a lithe fuel-efficient alternative.


2008: The Year Man-Made Global Warming Was Disproved

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Dec 282008
 

The people that fell for this scam should also be wondering about other things they believe in now. Perhaps the person they voted for won’t bring “Change” after all.

2008 was the year man-made global warming was disproved


The first, on May 21, headed “Climate change threat to Alpine ski resorts” , reported that the entire Alpine “winter sports industry” could soon “grind to a halt for lack of snow”. The second, on December 19, headed “The Alps have best snow conditions in a generation” , reported that this winter’s Alpine snowfalls “look set to beat all records by New Year’s Day”.

Easily one of the most important stories of 2008 has been all the evidence suggesting that this may be looked back on as the year when there was a turning point in the great worldwide panic over man-made global warming. Just when politicians in Europe and America have been adopting the most costly and damaging measures politicians have ever proposed, to combat this supposed menace, the tide has turned in three significant respects.

First, all over the world, temperatures have been dropping in a way wholly unpredicted by all those computer models which have been used as the main drivers of the scare. Last winter, as temperatures plummeted, many parts of the world had snowfalls on a scale not seen for decades. This winter, with the whole of Canada and half the US under snow, looks likely to be even worse. After several years flatlining, global temperatures have dropped sharply enough to cancel out much of their net rise in the 20th century.

Ever shriller and more frantic has become the insistence of the warmists, cheered on by their army of media groupies such as the BBC, that the last 10 years have been the “hottest in history” and that the North Pole would soon be ice-free – as the poles remain defiantly icebound and those polar bears fail to drown. All those hysterical predictions that we are seeing more droughts and hurricanes than ever before have infuriatingly failed to materialise.

Even the more cautious scientific acolytes of the official orthodoxy now admit that, thanks to “natural factors” such as ocean currents, temperatures have failed to rise as predicted (although they plaintively assure us that this cooling effect is merely “masking the underlying warming trend”, and that the temperature rise will resume worse than ever by the middle of the next decade).

Secondly, 2008 was the year when any pretence that there was a “scientific consensus” in favour of man-made global warming collapsed. At long last, as in the Manhattan Declaration last March, hundreds of proper scientists, including many of the world’s most eminent climate experts, have been rallying to pour scorn on that “consensus” which was only a politically engineered artefact, based on ever more blatantly manipulated data and computer models programmed to produce no more than convenient fictions.

Thirdly, as banks collapsed and the global economy plunged into its worst recession for decades, harsh reality at last began to break in on those self-deluding dreams which have for so long possessed almost every politician in the western world. As we saw in this month’s Poznan conference, when 10,000 politicians, officials and “environmentalists” gathered to plan next year’s “son of Kyoto” treaty in Copenhagen, panicking politicians are waking up to the fact that the world can no longer afford all those quixotic schemes for “combating climate change” with which they were so happy to indulge themselves in more comfortable times.

Suddenly it has become rather less appealing that we should divert trillions of dollars, pounds and euros into the fantasy that we could reduce emissions of carbon dioxide by 80 per cent. All those grandiose projects for “emissions trading”, “carbon capture”, building tens of thousands more useless wind turbines, switching vast areas of farmland from producing food to “biofuels”, are being exposed as no more than enormously damaging and futile gestures, costing astronomic sums we no longer possess.

As 2009 dawns, it is time we in Britain faced up to the genuine crisis now fast approaching from the fact that – unless we get on very soon with building enough proper power stations to fill our looming “energy gap” – within a few years our lights will go out and what remains of our economy will judder to a halt. After years of infantile displacement activity, it is high time our politicians – along with those of the EU and President Obama’s US – were brought back with a mighty jolt into contact with the real world.

I must end this year by again paying tribute to my readers for the wonderful generosity with which they came to the aid of two causes. First their donations made it possible for the latest “metric martyr”, the east London market trader Janet Devers, to fight Hackney council’s vindictive decision to prosecute her on 13 criminal charges, ranging from selling in pounds and ounces to selling produce “by the bowl” (to avoid using weights her customers dislike and don’t understand). The embarrassment caused by this historic battle has thrown the forced metrication policy of both our governments, in London and Brussels, into total disarray.

Since Hackney backed out of allowing four criminal charges against Janet to go before a jury next month, all that remains is for her to win her appeal in February against eight convictions which now look quite absurd (including those for selling veg by the bowl, as thousands of other London market traders do every day). The final goal, as Neil Herron of the Metric Martyrs Defence Fund insists, must then be a pardon for the late Steve Thoburn and the four other original “martyrs” who were found guilty in 2002 – after a legal battle also made possible by this column’s readers – of breaking laws so ridiculous that the EU Commission has even denied they existed (but which are still on the statute book).

Readers were equally generous this year in rushing to the aid of Sue Smith, whose son was killed in a Snatch Land Rover in Iraq in 2005. Their contributions made it possible for her to carry on with the High Court action she has brought against the Ministry of Defence, with the sole aim of calling it to account for needlessly risking soldiers’ lives by sending them into battle in hopelessly inappropriate vehicles. Thanks not least to Mrs Smith’s determined fight, the Snatch Land Rover scandal, first reported here in 2006, has at last become a national cause celebre.

May I finally thank all those readers who have written to me in 2008 – so many that, as usual, it has not been possible to answer all their messages. But their support and information has been hugely appreciated. May I wish them and all of you a happy (if globally not too warm) New Year.


Chrysler Starts Spending Tax Payer Bail-out Money with ‘Thank You America’ Ad

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Dec 272008
 

American taxpayers will be glad to know that the folks over at cash-strapped Chrysler LLC thank them for the approved government loan of $4 billion that they received to help bridge the current economic crunch. In fact, Chrysler is so thankful that it created a new “Thank You America” print advertisement.

First of all, if Chrysler wanted to be accurate, it should have thanked the Bush Administration and their political supporters in their decision to offer both Chrysler and GM a bailout loan – we didn’t see any American taxpayers vote on the matter, did you? If you ask us, Chrysler LLC’s decision to spend money -it doesn’t matter how much- on a print ad thanking Americans for bailing them out was an unnecessary move. With so many media outlets of all sorts, a press release is more than adequate these days to get your message out to millions of people. Total waste of money that could have gone into saving a job or two.

Source: Carscoop

Jeff Gordon Takes Advantage of a Government Bailout

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Dec 262008
 

Jeff Gordon made the decision to fire his entire NASCAR pit crew and take advantage of a Government bailout plan that would employ Chicago Ghetto Kids. This was brought about by a documentary on how the Chicago Ghetto Kids were able to remove 4 tires in less than 6 seconds without Hi-Tech Equiptment – whereas Gordon’s existing crew could only perform this task in 8 seconds with millions of dollars woth of equipment

This was thought to be an excellent and very bold move by Jeff Gordon as most races are won or lost in the pit stop. However. Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew’s 1st practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-painted the car installed 4 rolls of duct tape in problem areas & sold the car to Dale Earnhard Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed and several nude photo’s of Jeff Gordon’s wife in the shower

The Electric Fence Incident

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Dec 242008
 

Some people send newsletters every Christmas to keep friends and family informed as to what happened during the year. Well this is my version but it is only about one incident last summer.

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard and I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire neighborhood.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m cutting the grass in my back yard with my 6 hp mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap and pee at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do both at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Ford turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up near a farm so I know all about electric fences… but my father always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee and with my balls on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die… pleeeeze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 98 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire… I woke up laying on the ground a while later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 – Poop and pee when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.
4 – My left eye will not open.
5 – My right eye will not close.
6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 – My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8 – I can turn on the TV in the family room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.