Joke Of The Day

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Feb 292008

When Chelsea Clinton was 6 years old, Bill and Hillary took her to the beach. As she walked along the beach, she noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than Hillary’s, so she asked her why.

Hillary told her, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Satisfied with the answer, Chelsea left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell her mother that many of the men appeared to have larger “pee-pees” than her dad.

Hillary explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Again, satisfied with the answer, Chelsea returned to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, she returned again, promptly informing her mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!”

Italy’s Court of Appeal Issues Ruling Making It Illegal For Men To Scratch Their Crotches In Public

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Feb 282008

The best line in this story has to be “…the equivalent of touching wood in Britain.”

Note to self: stay out of Italy.

Italian Ban On Public Privates-Scratching

Italy’s Court of Appeal has issued a new hands-off landmark ruling – outlawing men from scratching their crotches in public.

he ruling says that blatant scratching or holding is “an act contrary to decorum and public decency”.

Superstitious Italian men often hold or touch their private parts for good luck when they see a hearse or to ward off bad luck – the equivalent of touching wood in Britain.

Italy’s Court of Appeal in Rome made the judgement after listening to the appeal of a 42-year-old man from Como who had been fined 200 euros for gross indeceny at a hearing in May last year.

His defence lawyer had argued that his client – a mechanic – had been mereley adjusting himself in his overalls and nothing else.

However, the appeal was overturned by the judges who said in their ruling hat: “The touching of genitalia in public is a sign of ill manners and must be considered against public decency.

“The rules of social etiquette require all of us to abstain from what might be considered offensive to public decorum.”

The ruling added that touching or scratching below the belt risked causing “awkwardness, disgust and disapproval in the average man”.

The man’s 200 euro fine was upheld and he was also ordered to pay 1000 euros in costs.

I guess this rules out Major League Baseball ever playing any exhibition games over there.

Barack Obama And The Disarming Of America

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Feb 282008

Barack Hussein Obama has a plan for this great country of ours that should scare the crap out of any sane person who hears it. In a nutshell, he plans to hand this nation over to our enemies on a silver platter.

Considering the current state of the world we live in, to hear this type of rhetoric come out of a Presidential candidate’s mouth is beyond belief.

Watch this video and think about what this man is saying. He will leave us vulnerable to the world. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid….

I wonder if he still watches Barney, singing along, “I love you; you love me…”

Maryland Lawmakers to Consider Special Red DUI License Plates for Drunk Drivers

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Feb 272008

What’s wrong with this picture? Why would repeat drunk drivers even have a license to drive?

MD Lawmakers to Consider Special Tags for Repeat Drunk Drivers

Should repeat drunk drivers have to use special license plates?

Maryland lawmakers will begin work today on a proposal to require special tags for people convicted of three cases of impaired driving.

Under the bill, repeat violators would have their regular license tags pulled and replaced with ones that include the letters D-U-I in red. The violators would have to use those tags for one registration period.

The proposal comes as several states try shaming repeat drunk drivers. Tennessee requires convicted drunken drivers to do 24 hours of roadside cleanup while wearing orange vests emblazoned with the phrase, “I am a Drunk Driver.”

Ohio requires yellow license plates with red letters for some convicted drunken drivers. One Arizona county attorney posts the names and faces of drunken drivers on a Web site.

Maryland’s proposal would take effect in October if approved.

The bill is up for debate today in a House committee.

Everybody Panic: Widescale Global Cooling Is Here

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Feb 272008

This news brings a few inconvenient questions to mind. Could this be the result of Al Gore’s carbon credits? Will Al Gore be forced to give that Nobel Peace Prize back? Will the tree huggers take credit for this because they drive hybrid cars? Or are the few countries that have signed on to Kyoto the cause?

Temperature Monitors Report Widescale Global Cooling

Over the past year, anecdotal evidence for a cooling planet has exploded. China has its coldest winter in 100 years. Baghdad sees its first snow in all recorded history. North America has the most snowcover in 50 years, with places like Wisconsin the highest since record-keeping began. Record levels of Antarctic sea ice, record cold in Minnesota, Texas, Florida, Mexico, Australia, Iran, Greece, South Africa, Greenland, Argentina, Chile — the list goes on and on.

No more than anecdotal evidence, to be sure. But now, that evidence has been supplanted by hard scientific fact. All four major global temperature tracking outlets (Hadley, NASA’s GISS, UAH, RSS) have released updated data. All show that over the past year, global temperatures have dropped precipitously.

A compiled list of all the sources can be seen here. The total amount of cooling ranges from 0.65C up to 0.75C — a value large enough to wipe out nearly all the warming recorded over the past 100 years. All in one year’s time. For all four sources, it’s the single fastest temperature change ever recorded, either up or down.

Scientists quoted in a past DailyTech article link the cooling to reduced solar activity which they claim is a much larger driver of climate change than man-made greenhouse gases. The dramatic cooling seen in just 12 months time seems to bear that out. While the data doesn’t itself disprove that carbon dioxide is acting to warm the planet, it does demonstrate clearly that more powerful factors are now cooling it.

Let’s hope those factors stop fast. Cold is more damaging than heat. The mean temperature of the planet is about 54 degrees. Humans — and most of the crops and animals we depend on — prefer a temperature closer to 70.

Historically, the warm periods such as the Medieval Climate Optimum were beneficial for civilization. Corresponding cooling events such as the Little Ice Age, though, were uniformly bad news.

“LOST” Parody: What Will Happen Next? – Episode 2

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Feb 272008

Following the hugely successful pilot episode that was seen 1.9 million times, here is the second episode featuring another very recognizable movie icon.

LOST – What Will Happen Next? – Episode 2
With season 4 of LOST in full confusing swing, shows what might happen in the new episodes.

“LOST” Parody: With Entertainment Like This, Who Cares About A Writer’s’ Strike?

Obama The First Woman President

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Feb 262008

This can only be bad news for the Clintons. Newsweek proves it is in the tank for OBama. What a lame attempt by the “Main Stream Media” to sway mind numbed Liberals!

The First Woman President?

It has been a rarity in modern political life: a wide-open race for the nomination of both parties. But whatever happens from here on out, this campaign will always be remembered for the emergence of the first serious woman candidate for president: Barack Obama.

Obama is a female candidate for president in the same way that Bill Clinton was the first black president.

It was Toni Morrison who first had the insight. In a 1988 essay in the New Yorker, the Nobel Prize-winning author described Bill Clinton as “the first black president,” commenting on his saxophone playing and his displaying “almost every trope of blackness.”

Obama doesn’t play the sax. But he is pushing against conventional—and political party nominating convention—wisdom in five important ways, with approaches that are usually thought of as qualities and values that women bring to organizational life: a commitment to inclusiveness in problem solving, deep optimism, modesty about knowing all the answers, the courage to deliver uncomfortable news, not taking on all the work alone, and a willingness to air dirty linen. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, is taking a more traditional (and male?) authoritarian approach.

Obama is advocating conversation and collaboration—talking with everybody, including those with whom he has significant disagreements. Several of the so-called “gaffes” targeted by Clinton and GOP front runner John McCain have been about Obama’s willingness to talk with people we aren’t supposed to like, such as various factions in the Middle East.

Clinton’s campaign, on the other hand, is centered on the idea that she is the experienced realist. She understands the rules in this man’s game of politics and governing, knows how to play by them and win, and can take the heat that inevitably comes with entering the fray. Obama’s argument is that he understands the rules and knows how to play by them—but that he wants to change those rules, because they embody values with which he does not agree. He manages to hold his realism and his optimism in constructive tension together, even though it opens him up to the charge that he is naive.

Clinton proposes policy solutions to every problem. She has the answers, fulfilling our expectations of an aspiring authority figure and the brightest person in the class. Obama often proposes process plans, without specific policy solutions, such as bringing together all the interested parties on global warming and having them hash out their differences in a transparent forum, taking the risk that what they come up with will not be his preferred outcome.

Obama is willing to acknowledge his indiscretions and not apologize for them. His drug use was part of his journey. He returned the campaign contributions of a former friend with an unsavory past. Clinton seems to think that admitting mistakes or acknowledging indiscretions—having second thoughts—is a sign of weakness.

Clinton’s message is that she will drive her solutions to enactment and implementation despite the forces of evil lurking everywhere. As a woman, Clinton feels constrained to portray herself as tough, competitive, willing to take on the bad guys. She has to be more male than men, in the same way that women are reluctant to leave the office early to pick up their children at day care because they fear they will not be thought of as serious about their careers, while men are applauded for doing so.

Obama can raise possibilities that are off the table for Clinton. She needs to tell us that she can solve our problems. Obama seems comfortable in what we think of as a female role: not overpromising what he can accomplish, and telling us that the work of change is ours as much as it is his. As recently as his speech in Wisconsin right after the Potomac primaries, Obama told his listeners that any real change was going to require difficult work on their part.

Elections aren’t about leadership. They are about winning, and winning requires pandering: telling people what they want to hear. Leadership is often about giving people news they don’t want to hear. My favorite definition of leadership is disappointing your own people at the rate that they can absorb.

While Obama has tried to combine optimism and realism, John McCain is the only candidate in the race who has consistently delivered messages that his constituents did not want to hear. He is the only one who has regularly gone in front of hostile crowds and been willing to stand and defend positions—on immigration, the Iraqi war, ethanol, restoring jobs in Michigan, and campaign finance—that were certain to offend people whose votes he was trying to secure. Despite the gender-bending styles displayed by Obama and Clinton, McCain’s manner of exercising leadership is an androgynous and rare activity.

Tonya and Nancy: The Rock Opera

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Feb 262008

This is just too good to ignore although I have one question… “Why? Why?”

Olympic skater Tonya Harding inspires rock opera

No one around here attracts attention quite like Tonya Harding. Camera crews from local news stations as well as radio and print journalists huddled in the World Trade Center lobby recently to witness the latest installment in the ongoing Harding spectacle.

Harding, one of Southwest Washington’s most infamous residents, unwittingly inspired the creation of “Tonya and Nancy: The Rock Opera,” which chronicles the champion figure skater’s improbable rise and salacious fall from public grace.

So when the 37-year-old heard about the Triangle Productions show debuting in downtown Portland, she decided to attend the world premiere to support the project and see how it turned out.

When word spread that Harding would be there, the media horde swarmed to capture her reaction.

This darkly comic show, which continues through March 8, prominently features the modern media in the role of a Greek chorus of sorts. Per that tradition, reporters in the piece not only provide background information to the audience and bridge key moments with commentary, they also act as society’s voice of morality.

Almost like part of the show, real-life counterparts were poised near the entryway of the auditorium to pounce on Harding when she arrived and revisit ethical issues related to her fame.

Harding, seeing the phalanx of cameramen from afar through the glass doors, paused for a moment to collect herself. She took a deep breath, put on some lipstick and once again entered the fray.

This edgy opera presents both Harding and her nemesis Nancy Kerrigan as characters developing their dreams on parallel tracks, destined for a violent collision.

One has a mother who lovingly supports and nurtures her, including a scene of her kindly brushing her daughter’s hair while giving her encouragement. The other mother in the show uses her hairbrush to hit her daughter when she doesn’t skate well, admonishing her for being “nothing.” Such was Harding’s fate.

But somehow, from a humble household in suburban Portland, Harding briefly became the best female figure skater in the country, winning the U.S. Championship in 1991. She was the first woman to ever complete a triple axel in competition.

Yet her skills began to fade soon after that magical year, and her goal of earning a medal in the 1994 Winter Olympics looked unlikely if she couldn’t at least overcome her American teammate Kerrigan.

Enter the strange-but-real supporting characters — ex-husband Jeff Gillooly (powerfully played by Dale Johannes) and his friends Shawn Echkert (Todd Pozycki) and Shane Stant (Jason Coffey) — who gave this tale its unique twist. Those three conspired to take Kerrigan out of the contest with a whack on the knee that reverberated worldwide.

This show not only recreates the sordid events as they reportedly happened, it also predominately uses real quotes from the participants for lyrics and dialogue.

Songs include “Whip Her Butt,” apparently the mantra of Harding’s mother; “When You Wake Up Sleeping in Your Car in Estacada,” Gillooly’s lament when trying to avoid authorities after the attack on Kerrigan; and “The Laces Broke,” Harding’s desperate plea to judges for another turn to skate at the Olympics, symbolically her request for a second chance.

Those are just some of the journalistic gems rediscovered and incorporated by librettist Elizabeth Searle and director Don Horn. There are many others throughout the show.

This unusual attempt at theatrical authenticity turns into a fascinating experiment. It’s not a lampoon or low comedy, like one might expect from the subject matter. It’s also not musical theater in the glitzy, gooey sense.

A few of the songs soar, like traditional show-stoppers, including “You’re the One,” a duet with Harding and her father that demonstrates she did receive some love as a child, and “It’s Our Whole Life,” in which Harding and Kerrigan express that neither one of them will be satisfied with anything other than first place.

But in operatic style, composer Michael Teoli challenges cast members to use their voices as virtuosic instruments, favoring aural intensity and range at times over lyrical clarity.

Lead characters Harding (played by Beth Willis) and Kerrigan (Lilla D’Mone) are among those in the cast who struggle with some of the tougher notes. Willis and D’Mone, though, do more than stand and sing. Willis perfectly captures Harding’s physicality, while D’Mone masters Kerrigan’s moody reticence, which somewhat counteracts the occasional screeching.

Director Horn meanwhile blurs the story line. He supplies a variety of details that build sympathy for the otherwise villainous Harding. He also chips away at the “nice Nancy” facade, focusing on her affair at the time with her married manager, who was nearly twice her age, and her comments at Walt Disney World after the Olympics, when she sat next to Mickey Mouse in a parade and remarked, “This is so corny.”

Harding said after Kerrigan was attacked that she just wanted to give her rival a hug. That never happened, but after the opening night performance of this show, Harding walked in three-inch heels onto the stage and congratulated the cast, including a surreal embrace of D’Mone that led Harding to remark “I finally got my hug.” She also said, “I look at my life. Was it really that bad?”

Harding then went to the lobby to face the cameras and the questions. The chorus of media members dug into the most painful parts of her past, asking what moments she found difficult to watch, about the wedding-night sex tape that her ex-husband sold against her wishes, about her failed marriage. Harding laughed through much of the inquiry, just as she could be heard chuckling throughout the show.

“Everyone has their own skeletons,” she said. “And everyone goes through life on a roller coaster.”

She offered this review of the piece: “Watching me, but not me, it was just kind of odd. I didn’t know anything about what it was going to be like….. It was really cool.”

Dozens of audience members surrounded her in the lobby to ask for autographs and to take pictures with her. She typically charges $10 to sign and $5 for photos as a way to scratch out a living. She didn’t ask for any money on this night, although she joked about it.

She plans to start boxing again in March, she said, maybe get into the beginning levels of mixed-martial arts competitions and work more on the autobiography that she hopes to publish within a year. She said, “I’ve got to make a living somehow.”

When Liberals Attack: Clinton Supporter Stabs Obama Supporter

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Feb 262008

Let me see… the Clinton supporter stabs the Obama supporter. The only thing that surprises me is that it wasn’t in the back.

The only answer to this kind of violence is tougher knife laws.

Clintonite Stabs Obama Supporter

Meet Jose Antonio Ortiz. The Pennsylvania man allegedly stabbed his brother-in-law in the stomach after the pair quarreled about their respective support of Democratic presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. According to cops, Ortiz, 28, stabbed Sean Shurelds last Thursday night in the kitchen of an Upper Providence Township home. According to a criminal complaint, a copy of which you’ll find here, the 41-year-old Shurelds, an Obama supporter, told Ortiz that the Illinois senator was “trashing” Clinton (apparently in regard to recent primary and caucus results). Ortiz, a Clinton supporter, replied that “Obama was not a realist.” While not exactly fighting words, the verbal political tiff led to some mutual choking and punching. And, allegedly, a stabbing in the abdomen. Ortiz, pictured in the mug shot below, was charged with a felony aggravated assault count and two misdemeanors and jailed in lieu of $20,000 bail. Shurelds was flown to Hahnemann University Hospital, where he was admitted in critical condition.

Liberals Clinically Nuts

Amazingly Simple Redneck Home Remedies

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Feb 252008

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, after which you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Star Magazine’s Perfect Face

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Feb 252008

This is hilarious! Star Magazine put together the perfect face for a man and woman using the results of a survey by Beverly Hills plastic surgeons Toby Mayer and Richard Fleming. Star morphed the most requested celebrity body parts to create the perfect male and female faces. They are perfect alright; perfect for radio.

If you ask me, the guy looks like a gay Elvis (not that there is anything wrong with that) and the woman looks Faith Hill after botched up plastic surgery.

Wait. People really want hair like John Stamos?

The Perfect Face?

What happens when you combine 007 Daniel Craig’s baby blue eyes, Leonardo DiCaprio’s nose and Matt Damon’s lips? Star decided to find out!

Using the results of a new survey by Beverly Hills plastic surgeons Toby Mayer and Richard Fleming, Star morphed the celeb body-parts most often requested by patients to create what should be the perfect man — and woman!

But is the end result — which also added Christian Bale’s jaw and John Stamos’ hair — all that good-looking?

As for the female morph, it’s Katie Holmes’ eyes, Katherine Heigl’s nose, Keira Knightley’s cheeks, Jessica Simpson’s long blonde hair and — not surprisingly — Angelina Jolie’s lips, “People want fullness, they want that pout,” says Dr. Fleming.

Surprise: Muslims Furious At Doritos

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Feb 232008

If Muslims have a problem with Doritos, don’t buy them and don’t eat them, simple!

If I recall correctly, didn’t Saddam love Doritos?

Muslims criticise Walkers after it is revealed that some crisp varieties contain alcohol

Furious Muslims have heavily criticised Walkers crisps after it emerged that certain varieties of the manufacturer’s products contain trace elements of alcohol.

Some crisp types use minute amounts of alcohol as a chemical agent to extract certain flavours.

The report in Asian newspaper Eastern Eye, highlights concerns raised by shopkeeper Besharat Rehman, who owns a halal supermarket in Bradford, West Yorkshire.

Mr Rehman told the paper: “A customer informed us that Sensations Thai Sweet Chilli and Doritos Chilli Heat Wave are not on Walkers’ alcohol-free list. Our suppliers were unaware of this.

“Even if it is a trace amount of alcohol, Walkers should make it clear on the packaging so that the customer can make an informed choice.

“I feel frustrated and angry. I have let my customers down simply because such a big company like Walkers is not sensitive to Muslim needs.

“Many of them were my daughter’s favourite crisps. As soon as I found out about the alcohol in them, I called home to ask my wife to throw out all the packets.”

Shuja Shafi, who chairs the food standards committee of the Muslim Council of Britain, said that he intended to investigate. “Certainly we would find it very offensive to have eaten food with alcohol.”

Masood Khawaja, of the Halal Food Authority, said that this was not the first time the issue had been raised with Walkers.

“They should have looked into the matter and solved it instead of hiding behind labelling regulations. It does not matter what percentage of alcohol is involved.

“Besides Muslims, there are a lot of teetotal people who would not like to consume alcohol in any form. As far as possible we try and lobby for halal symbols on popular products like Kellogg’s cereals.

“But we have always told Muslims to check the contents list even if a product is marked suitable for vegetarians. But to not mention it on the packaging is unfair.”

However, a spokesperson for Walkers said that trace amounts of alcohol in crisps or bread are believed to be permissible for Muslims.

“We do not add alcohol to our products. However, ethyl alcohol may be present in trace amounts in a very small number of our flavours.

“It is used as a carrying agent for flavourings, and is found in many common food and drink products.

“Foods like bread can also contain the same or higher trace amounts due to fermentation. “We are aware of the concerns from some Muslim consumers about the appropriateness of specific ingredients. We take the concerns of our consumers extremely seriously.

“In previous assessments by Muslim scholars, foods and drinks that contain trace amounts of ethyl alcohol have been confirmed as permissible for Muslim consumption because of both the fact that the ingredient does not bear its original qualities and does not change the taste, colour or smell of the product, and its very low level.”

Ted Kennedy Sings For Osama … oops … Obama

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Feb 232008

If you needed evidence that Ted Kennedy has a problem with alcohol, here is your proof.

I would go hunting with Cheney before I would go riding with Teddy.

“This week, footage surfaced of Senator Ted Kennedy singing in Spanish to a Latino group. There was an awkward moment when someone in the crowd pointed at Kennedy’s head and said: “Look! The piñata is singing!” ….Conan O’Brien

Once again, Ted Kennedy belted out the 1940s hit “Ay Jalisco No Te Rajes” (Don’t Give Up On Me) during a campaign stop in Laredo. Back in June, audio of Kennedy singing the same song on a popular LA morning radio show became an Internet sensation.

Thoughts For Today

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Feb 232008

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘ XL.’

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs.’