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Sep 212014
 

Drinking
17 – beer
25 – imported beer
35 – vodka
48 – scotch
66 – Maalox

Seduction Line
17 – My parents are away for the weekend.
25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 – My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 – My wife is away for the weekend.
66 – My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport
17 – sex
25 – sex
35 – sex
48 – sex
66 – napping

Drug
17 – pot
25 – coke
35 – money
48 – power
66 – Viagra

Definition of a Successful Date
17 – “tongue”
25 – “breakfast”
35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 – “Got home alive.”

Favorite Fantasy
17 – getting to third
25 – airplane sex
35 – menage a trois
48 – taking the company public
66 – Swiss maid

House Pet
17 – roaches
25 – stoned-out college roommate
35 – black lab
48 – children from his first marriage
66 – dust bunnies

What’s the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 – 25
25 – 35
35 – 48
48 – 66
66 – 17

Ideal Date
17 – Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 – “Split the check before we go back to my place.”
35 – “Just come over.”
48 – “Just come over and cook.”
66 – “Come over and watch Star Trek re-runs.”

 

Sep 212014
 
Rubber Chicken An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”

The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”

The pharmacist said, “That won’t do you any good.”

The elderly gentleman said, “That’s alright. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

 

 

Sep 202014
 

Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.

1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2014- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2014 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2014 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2014 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2014 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2014 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 – Ants die.
2014 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2014 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

Sep 202014
 
There was a man who was born before his father, killed his mother, and married his sister. Yet, there was nothing wrong with what he had done.

Why?
 

Riddle

 

Sep 202014
 
Rubber Chicken A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”

 

 

Sep 192014
 

Pinky Pullups

Indian weightlifting champion Maibam Itomba Meitei trained for 14 Years to set the World Record for the most pinky pullups. He managed to perform 16 consecutive pull-ups using only his pinkies on March 15th, 2014.

Indian weightlifting champion Maibam Itomba Meitei probably has the strongest pinky fingers in the world. The 26-year-old from Imphal city in the state of Manipur recently set the Guinness World Record for the most number of ‘pinky pull ups’ – he used his little fingers to pull his chin above the bar 16 consecutive times in 30 seconds.

Maibam broke the world record previously set by an American weight lifter, who was able to do only 16 pull ups in one minute. He completed the stunning feat quite comfortably during an event organised at the Jawaharlal Nehru Manipur Dance Academy. The audience, consisting of several local politicians, was left speechless by Maibam’s display of sheer strength.

A specially designed iron bar was used for the performance – it had two small hooks for Maibam to insert his two little fingers. Once he laced his pinkies through the hooks, he was able to lift his body (weighing 51 kilograms) up with tremendous ease, bringing his chin all the way over to the bar.

To perform such an unimaginably tough task, Maibam went through several years of rigorous training. He has been perfecting his pinky pull-ups techniques for 14 years, with the specific goal of setting the world record. He also mentioned that during practice, he was actually able to do 28 pull ups in a minute. He wanted to do 30 on the day of the official performance, but he had to stop after only 16 pull ups in 30.906 seconds.

This was because of a serious glitch that occurred during his performance. His left little finger got stuck in a sharp edge and he began to bleed. But nothing stopped the strong young man from reaching his goal – and he eventually succeeded in breaking the record.

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