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Aug 052015
 
How to make a rope swing

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Summer is swiftly coming to an end. One of the ways to enjoy the last of the warm weather weekends is to take an afternoon by the lake or river and make a rope swing. Safety is paramount, and close behind is gaining maximum height and velocity. We show you how to do both. See you at the ol’ swimming hole!

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Aug 052015
 

A Lesson In LifeMr. Turtle was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, “Good Morning, Mr. Crow.”

Mr. Crow shouted back down, “Good Morning Mr. Turtle.”

Mr. Turtle shouted up, “Whatcha doin’ today?” and the answer shouted back down was,

“Absolutely nothin’ Mr. Turtle – Absolutely nothin’ and loving it.”

Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Turtle, so he shouted back up, “Do you think I could do that too?”

Mr. Crow shouted back down, “I don’t see why not!”

So, Mr. Turtle lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing.

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.

The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.

 

Aug 052015
 
Rubber Chicken Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.”

“Well, what are you going to do, then?” Luther asks.

“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.”

“Yeah,” Luther agrees.

“Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.”

“I remember,” Luther says.

“Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

“Yep,” Luther says. “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“Well,” Billy Bob says, “this year I’m taking Earlene with me.”

 

 

Aug 042015
 

Exercise TechniquesPhysical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don’t want us to do too much, so here’s a program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing your pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing your weight around

07) Dragging your heels

08) Pushing your luck

09) Making mountains out of mole hills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting your own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out all the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting your foot in your mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! That’s a workout! Now sit down and

26) Exercise caution.

 

Aug 042015
 

Hey, you never know!

First Aid For A Snake Bite

A snake bite does not necessarily mean an envenomed bite, injection of venom is under the snake’s control. Snakes will often (about 50% of the time) deliver a “dry bite” where venom is not injected. Should you be bitten, remain calm under all circumstances. Panic and shock are bigger killers than venom.

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Aug 042015
 
I have some muscles, I’m known to break ice.
Though of great value I haven’t a price.
I have lots of teeth, but I never bite.
All throughout the day I’m a welcome sight.
I’m universal, known by large and small.
I have one language understood by all.
 
Riddle

 

Aug 042015
 
Rubber Chicken Two vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first “What’ll it be?”

To which the vampire replies “Ah, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary.”

The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, “What I can do for you?”

The second vampire replies, “I’ll just have a cup of hot water”

Both the bartender and the first vampire look at him quizzically, “Why do you want hot water?”

The second vampire then pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, “Oh! I making tea.”

 

 

Aug 032015
 

British Humor As It Used To Be
British humor as it used to be : Absolutely and unapologetically politically incorrect.

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in some ‘Tide’ washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.


Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London … Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.


Following the riots in Tottenham, it’s important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists.

Many are drug dealers.


Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements


Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.


They’ve had to cancel the pantomime ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London. Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen.


Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!


Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque…
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.


During last night’s high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.


Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

 

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